Hello Summer!

 Last thursday, I finally had a well-deserved time out with my friends. We love spur-of-the-moment plans, which is why the whole trip was planned just the night before. I wasn't even planning to come, not until Thursday morning. Good thing I changed my mind!

When my friends and I go out on beach trips like this, we usually spend the first few hours eating, then the next few hours laughing, and the next few more hours swimming and laughing and camwhoring. Beach trips with them are always insane! :)

Sun, sand, sea, super crazy people = love. I'm happily burnt but who cares, nobody sees my maroon-colored back anyway! Can't wait for our next trip!

Sunset Love

Late one afternoon, my family and I took a hike on the hill where my Grandma was buried weeks ago. Our attention was caught by this majestic scene.

There is truly something about sunsets. It’s like a daily show - sometimes we miss it, sometimes it isn't on schedule, sometimes it gets “cancelled”. But nonetheless, watching the Director unfold His latest masterpiece — priceless.

For the longest time now, I’ve been wanting to capture a full round sun sinking down the horizon. When, where, how? No idea. :)

Call me an emo or a freak, but yeah, I'm a sucker for those orange and yellow hues on the sky. It makes me think of the day that has passed by and the days to come, where I wanna be, who I want to be with, what I want to do. It's like talking to God. It's a breath-taking moment that you can't spoil with gossip or chit-chat. It's such a beauty.

Groupie Days

This morning, I watched the movie Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist at HBO. From the moment it started, I knew it was a teenie-bopper kind of movie. I don't wanna spoil the story but it certainly circled on band gigs, good music and of course finding love amidst all that.

While watching it, I was reminded of my days as a groupie back in college. Ahh those days. Picking up my friends on a Saturday night to watch a gig, sneaking to the backstage and prodding each other to ask a band member if we could get a picture.

I remembered driving after a band's van til it reached the hotel. Or sneaking through the crowd of drunkards just to take a good shot. And even throwing ice cubes in the air once the crowd of drunkards got too wild. And I clearly remember my shaking knees when I saw Ira Cruz for the first time - a real life Adonis smoking and downing a bottle of beer in front of me - aahh it was so surreal for me that I wasn't even able to say a single word. (The second time I met Ira, I was able to muster enough courage to have a picture with him. That fraction of a second beside him made me want to take him home and introduce him to my mother.) All the yelling, screaming and drooling while the band performs. And singing along every song they play. Oh geez.

And I must not fail to mention the dudes watching the gig. Since we girls knew that these band members were simply unreachable, we often shifted our attention to the dudes around. We girls wanted the same kind of guy - scruffy, tough, unshaved, wearing a black or gray shirt and a sucker for the kind of music we loved. No better place to look for someone like that. Amidst the gigs were our love affairs that never really happened. Love affairs that were just based on locking gazes and smiling at each other but never really having anything beyond that.

And of course, we would hang out at McDonald's or a coffee shop afterwards, scan the pictures we took and giggle about the whole night. Aaah groupie nights.

I wasn't really a pure-blood groupie; I was even too shy to rub elbows with vocalists and lead guitarists. And I've known girls who would really go to the distance, book a flight to where the band's next gig would be. Me and my girls were semi-groupies I suppose. But those days eventually came to an end as we were finishing college.

My groupie days were a colorful strain. Thinking about it now makes me feel a bit awkward - I actually chased men I didn't even have a personal connection with! But then typing this makes me smile. Knowing that I once lived according to whims, infatuations and fleeting feelings gives me the right to be a bit serious on life.

Passing by Gensan the other day, I saw this huge poster of Bamboo with the greek god himself Ira Cruz on the background. Aaah, those were the days. :)

Of Life and Death

Once again, life slapped me with some unexpected stuff.

I just got home from my two-week stint as a private duty nurse for my grandmother, my dad's mom. She had diabetes, gout, renal failure. To cut the long and tormenting story short, Lola passed away last Saturday, February 6, 2010 at the age of 72.

Weeks ago, my Lola was admitted in the hospital. The doctor already informed our family that Lola can't stay with us for so long; her kidneys have refused to respond to treatment. She was sent home and from there, we took charge of her daily needs. Once again, the Big Man Upstairs called me to perform some nurse-related responsibilities.

Like most situations, the whole ordeal was bittersweet. I had to get up as early as 4:30 in the morning, feed her through a feeding tube, crush her medicines, bathe her, change her position every now and then. When she had intense tummy ache because her stomach stopped functioning, Lola wanted someone to be by her side most of the time. It was hard to see her suffer at her age. But it was harder to see the "life" in her diminish day by day.

The sweet part was getting to spend time with her. As with every life form sent here on earth, there is always a limit. It feels very different to actually know for certain that your loved one is approaching the limit. During her last few days, Lola and I had talks on the after-life; she told me she lived a happy life and she was ready. I cannot forget hearing her say "Don't let others make a decision that you can do for yourself." She reached for my hand most of the time. And she speaks to me in English, making me smile almost all the time.

I have waited for so many things in my life. But it was only then I learned that anticipated death is the most painful thing to wait for. A part of me wanted death to come right away, just so Lola won't be in too much pain. And there was a greater part of me wished she would stay longer. But then I realized that waiting for death, and with the other things in life, won't be too much of a burden for as long as you engage in something worthwhile during the wait. Right now, I feel happy for being granted with the chance to take care of her until her last breath.

I prayed that her last breath would come like a thief in the night - without announcement. And possibly, without any struggle. But Lola fought til the very end, fighting and squeezing the very last drop of her energy. It was a painful scene to witness; the whole room was spinning as relatives embraced each other in tears. I was beside Lola, watching her chest rise or fall for the last time but it did not happen. It was my first encounter with the death of a loved one. My medical mindset was on, I did the post-mortem care - cleaned her up, removed her feeding tube, positioned her properly.

My friends and loved ones know how much of a crybaby I am. But oddly, I haven't shed a single tear since that moment. Of course I feel sad, thinking I won't be able to see or talk to her from then on. But still, no tears. I can't say I've been hardened to the core. And I can't say that reality didn't sink in yet. But I think it's because my medical or logical mindset is on; I wanted things to be accomplished without paying attention to my emotions. And most probably, I feel rather happy; my mind is focused on her freedom from pain and disability.

Last night, I glanced at Lola in the casket. My cousin Jet and I were exchanging thoughts on life and death. We agreed on the same thing - Death is death. It sucks the life out of you. You'll never look vibrant and happy as ever when it comes. And it made me think how life would be such a waste if we didn't live it to the fullest. God gave us the gift of life, injected a purpose into each one and imposed a limit on it. What a wonderful thing life truly is.

I thank God and Lola for redirecting me to the finer things in life. I thank Lola for opening her arms to me and for not rejecting the care I gave her til her last breath. Thank you Lola Aurora for being my Lola.