I just got home from a Boys' Night Out.
No, I'm no lesbian and I am totally not against homosexuality.
I just often find myself drinking in the company of my male friends. And when I say friends, I mean real ones. Tenderly demeaning, protective, objective yet loving male friends. No hanky-panky nonsense or friends with benefits scenario. Friends. Genuine male buddies.
It is a fact that when it comes to friends, I jell better with the male ones. Girly-girl friends are just.. I don't know. I have girly-girl friends, I can count them with my fingers on one hand and I love them to death. But I think the girl world is just full of the drama, subjectivity, glitz and glamor.
Having guy friends provided me with a sense of balance. I owe my sense of humor to them. I learned to be crass and objective when it comes to love and life. During most of the toughest times in my personal life, I called on those dudes for guidance. They helped me get through most of my obstacles without shedding too much tears. They presented to me everything I needed to know about men, too much information that I started becoming cynical whenever a guy makes the moves on me. Ironically, my guy friends taught me how to be a woman.
But sadly, instead of appearing as one of the boys, there are others who misconstrue my affinity with these dudes. My long, curly hair had numerous threats last year from girls who were after the hearts of my male friends. An ex called my male buddies as the Backstreet Boys for standing by me during our toughest confrontation. And because of that, I decided that the next boyfriend has to understand why I have male friends. But unfortunately, no stranger could hit on me when I'm with them. Crap.
Side story: Earlier, somebody hit on me. They simply shooed him off by saying that I was the girlfriend of one of our friends. Normally, that would be all right but that guy was handsome. Gorgeous, even! I asked him why they didn't let the guy approach me. My buddies simply said that the stranger had something else in mind. Whatever. Hello singlehood for another five years.
So yes. It was another Boys' Night Out. Another night of bad-ass and nasty jokes that often made me wonder whether they were forgetting that I was a girl.
2.25.2011
2.24.2011
Of Whores And Muses
God knows how much I miss writing.
The other day I was talking to a friend about how much I needed a muse, someone to drive words into my head and propel me to pick up a pen and put these words into writing. In that conversation, I realized that if I had a writing pre-requisite, it would be a person I could draw my inspiration from.
It is no secret. I started writing because I wanted to document the daily accounts of my admiration for The Boy back when I was only 12, awkward, naive and foolish. I grappled for words that could describe how his eyes piercingly looked into mine. Or how I seemed to have held my breath while walking with him from the campus gate to the jeepney stop. And especially that ineffable, explosive feeling when I saw him starting to like someone else. This inspiration I drew from him is the same one that I siphoned for every school paper article, essays for contests and projects and even for his own thesis. And by night, I documented each memory in my diary up until a decade later, when we, all grown-up and tainted with the uncertainties of this world, decided to part ways. For more than a decade, The Boy was my muse.
And now, this. A daily urge to write that cannot be quenched. I realized it was not The Boy that I longed for. It was the madness that I wanted so badly to translate into words.
As I went on talking to that friend, because once I start a topic I cannot simply go astray, he suggested someone. Prince Caspian. The one person who has totally made 2011 already an enchanting year. I tried but it was to no avail. I had no memory of how it felt while looking into his eyes. Piercing? Mesmerizing? Turning my knees into jelly? I wondered what his presence would be like. What his scent was. How his skin felt against mine. How it would feel to spend a day together and part ways in the wee hours of dawn. I picked up a pen and tried to doodle. I ended up writing my name in different fonts.
My friend laughed at what I said. He thinks I am silly. If I am, then how would he call my writer friend who has to cook before he writes? Or the one who listens to The Beatles as he scribbles along? Or, most especially, the one who needs to get laid before he finishes a piece? Lunatics, that would be an apt term for them. Us, I mean.
I won't last a day without writing. I would rot. And without love, I would also decay. I have to write about love to keep me alive.
And with this, my friend offered. "Use me."
I closed my eyes and thought of him. Me and him. Our friendship. Our wondrous, inexplicable, non-obligatory, organic and serendipitous friendship. To my surprise, things came crossing my mind. One after another. Not merely things but words. Sentences. Paragraphs. I smiled.
For months, I struggled with writing. I needed a push, a motivation, someone to call my muse. And now, here is someone I could use. A meantime inspiration. An understudy. A spare tire. No, I haven't found a muse. I call him a whore.
Hello writing.
The other day I was talking to a friend about how much I needed a muse, someone to drive words into my head and propel me to pick up a pen and put these words into writing. In that conversation, I realized that if I had a writing pre-requisite, it would be a person I could draw my inspiration from.
It is no secret. I started writing because I wanted to document the daily accounts of my admiration for The Boy back when I was only 12, awkward, naive and foolish. I grappled for words that could describe how his eyes piercingly looked into mine. Or how I seemed to have held my breath while walking with him from the campus gate to the jeepney stop. And especially that ineffable, explosive feeling when I saw him starting to like someone else. This inspiration I drew from him is the same one that I siphoned for every school paper article, essays for contests and projects and even for his own thesis. And by night, I documented each memory in my diary up until a decade later, when we, all grown-up and tainted with the uncertainties of this world, decided to part ways. For more than a decade, The Boy was my muse.
And now, this. A daily urge to write that cannot be quenched. I realized it was not The Boy that I longed for. It was the madness that I wanted so badly to translate into words.
As I went on talking to that friend, because once I start a topic I cannot simply go astray, he suggested someone. Prince Caspian. The one person who has totally made 2011 already an enchanting year. I tried but it was to no avail. I had no memory of how it felt while looking into his eyes. Piercing? Mesmerizing? Turning my knees into jelly? I wondered what his presence would be like. What his scent was. How his skin felt against mine. How it would feel to spend a day together and part ways in the wee hours of dawn. I picked up a pen and tried to doodle. I ended up writing my name in different fonts.
My friend laughed at what I said. He thinks I am silly. If I am, then how would he call my writer friend who has to cook before he writes? Or the one who listens to The Beatles as he scribbles along? Or, most especially, the one who needs to get laid before he finishes a piece? Lunatics, that would be an apt term for them. Us, I mean.
I won't last a day without writing. I would rot. And without love, I would also decay. I have to write about love to keep me alive.
And with this, my friend offered. "Use me."
I closed my eyes and thought of him. Me and him. Our friendship. Our wondrous, inexplicable, non-obligatory, organic and serendipitous friendship. To my surprise, things came crossing my mind. One after another. Not merely things but words. Sentences. Paragraphs. I smiled.
For months, I struggled with writing. I needed a push, a motivation, someone to call my muse. And now, here is someone I could use. A meantime inspiration. An understudy. A spare tire. No, I haven't found a muse. I call him a whore.
Hello writing.
12.22.2010
Dalawang Bote
Naalala ko na may Blogspot pa pala ako. Nalilito ako sa dami ng online account na nagawa ko.
Ang haba ng araw, andaming ginawa. Pero ayoko pa itong matapos.
Dahil mag-isa ako sa bahay at nakakalungkot, naisipan kong magdala ng kasama pauwi..
Dalawang bote ng GPS. Isang lata ng sisig. At isang pint ng ice cream. Ayos.
Sa totoo lang, mukhang di tumalab ang dalawang bote.
Sa totoo lang, masaya ako. Tahimik ang buhay. Ang daling ngumiti. Ayoko na isipin kung kaya ko pang maging masaya. Dyan ako nadale dati.
Sa totoo lang, sinubukan kong magmahal ulit. Nagmahal ako pero wala akong napala. O baka hindi ko lang sinagad ang pagkakataon.
Sa totoo lang, naiisip ko pa rin siya. Iisa lang siya sa buhay ko. Mula sa simula. Kung hanggang kelan, ewan.
Sa totoo lang, takot ako. Tulad ng isinulat ko sa Tumblr. Paano kung naikot ko na ang mundo, nagawa ko na lahat ng gusto ko.. Pero siya pa rin ang hinahanap ko?
Sa totoo lang, dapat na akong tumahimik. Tumalab ang dalawang bote.
Ang haba ng araw, andaming ginawa. Pero ayoko pa itong matapos.
Dahil mag-isa ako sa bahay at nakakalungkot, naisipan kong magdala ng kasama pauwi..
Dalawang bote ng GPS. Isang lata ng sisig. At isang pint ng ice cream. Ayos.
Sa totoo lang, mukhang di tumalab ang dalawang bote.
Sa totoo lang, masaya ako. Tahimik ang buhay. Ang daling ngumiti. Ayoko na isipin kung kaya ko pang maging masaya. Dyan ako nadale dati.
Sa totoo lang, sinubukan kong magmahal ulit. Nagmahal ako pero wala akong napala. O baka hindi ko lang sinagad ang pagkakataon.
Sa totoo lang, naiisip ko pa rin siya. Iisa lang siya sa buhay ko. Mula sa simula. Kung hanggang kelan, ewan.
Sa totoo lang, takot ako. Tulad ng isinulat ko sa Tumblr. Paano kung naikot ko na ang mundo, nagawa ko na lahat ng gusto ko.. Pero siya pa rin ang hinahanap ko?
Sa totoo lang, dapat na akong tumahimik. Tumalab ang dalawang bote.
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