Self Portraits

Once upon a time, I hated taking photos of myself. And though I had this big camera that took wonderful photos of other things, I rarely directed the camera to myself. Not until someone told me, "If I had your camera, I would have taken a hundred photos of myself in a day."

I didn't do as she told me but I realized, I didn't have pictures of myself for most of the events in my life.

So I turned the lens the other way around and took shots of myself. This is to remind me of who I was in transition. One day, I might look back at this post and realize all the more how much of a dope I am. Haha.

 Some of the photos here were taken by my sister. She enjoys photography and she's getting the hang of it. Looking at the spread I made now, I cringe at the sight of my own face. Hahaha.

Still, I have several dream portraits in mind.
1. Bokeh night shot of me and someone special sharing a kiss
2. Semi-nude photo with my long, thick and curly hair covering my chest, for as long as it doesn't look porn-ish
3. A random jeepney moment shot
4. Paparazzi photo of me walking in the street
5. More silhouette shots
6. Of course, me in a wedding dress. Not for a shoot but for the real thing.
7. Underwater photo of me wearing a long flowing black dress
8. A transvestite shot. Me transformed into a man. Goatee, mustache, polo shirt, the works.
9. Inside tunnels piled one on top of the other.
10. Me dancing in the rain.

Wish I could achieve 'em all. Narci much? Not really. Just loving photography. :)

Dead End, Alaala, atbp.

Hindi ako lasing. Ang daming pumapasok sa isip ko.

So dead end na. Okay na ako dun, chox na yun. Pero andami naming nadaanan na hindi ko makalimutan.

Lugar, tao, kanta, pati mga building - lahat parang bookmark sa mga pahina ng aming nakaraan na dapat ay nakasarado sunog na.

Masakit isipin na ang laki-laki ng investment ko, pinag-hirapan kong lumago at bumunga ang lahat. Isa ito sa mga bagay na alam kong pinaghirapan ko. Ang dami ng ginawa ko para sa amin. Pero nauwi sa wala. Bankrupt. Siguro minsan, it's a matter of luck.


So yun. Andaming nangyayari tuwing may naalala ako. Parang dinukot ang puso ko mula sa aking dibdib, winasak, dinuraan, inapak-apakan at iniwan sa daan para kainin ng mga daga. Parang may bombang isinuksok sa aking ribcage. Saka ko pa nalaman na andun iyon nung sumabog na. Parang nababawasan ang katinuan ko sa bawat alaala na sumasagi sa aking utak.

Sa ngayon, hindi ko kaaway ang taong yun. Kaaway ko ang alaala. Ilang beses mo ba dapat maalala ang isang bagay bago ito tuluyang mabura? O di kaya, gaano katagal mo bang hindi dapat isipin ang isang bagay para hindi na ito sumagi sa iyong isip?

Pero napakapositibo kong tao. Ayaw kong kalabanin ang aking alaala. Gusto kong kaibiganin ito, maging bihasa dito hanggang sa punto na ang alaala ko ay magsisilbing alipin ko at hindi ang kabaliktaran.

Dalawang taong relasyon, isang dekada ng alaala. Kung ako ikaw, sige nga.

Of Detours

It was midnight last night. I was taking a walk in front of my college campus with my friend. He asked me if I was headed home or if I was going to take a detour.

Detour. Oh how much this word means to me. My life is full of it.

June 1999. I thought I would continue studying at my elementary alma mater when, due to a miscommunication, I had to transfer to a new school.

March 2003. My heart was set on pursuing Biology as a pre-med course when my parents enrolled me beforehand and led me to choose BS Nursing instead.

March 2009. I was pursuing my career as a nurse when my mom got very sick. My career took a detour - I became my Mom’s private nurse for a year.

February 2010. When I finally decided to pass my resumes around, my Grndma got severely ill, giving her barely weeks to live. Another detour - I cared for her til her last breath.

April 2010. My relationship with the only love I knew fell apart. Just when I was trying to put the pieces back together, I encountered something that opened my eyes. Plus, I received a generous job offer.

If I look at what had happened to my life so far, I would think that fate has been screwing me up and pissing me off the whole time. I plan one thing only to be led to an entirely different path. I would probably ditch my life plans and just surrender myself to the wind.

But when I come to think of it, I should actually be thankful. Had I not been a nurse, I would not have known how to care for my loved ones. If I left for another country two years after I graduated, like I planned to, I wouldn’t have been there for my mom and my family during the most difficult times. If I made an absolutely impulsive decision two months ago, I would not have been home to take the call that led me to my current job. Makes sense? Yes, so much.

Detours. They lead us to a different road, one that is away from what we planned to take. At times we think a detour causes delay; at times, it’s actually the shorter route. But more often than not, and no matter how long or how crazy the path is, a detour definitely takes us to where we ought to be.

So last night, I told my friend I was headed home. I got a cab, asked the driver to take me home. Half way there, I realized I should be somewhere else.

Yes, detours exist. But perhaps, we have the choice to take them, make them or go all the way back.