Day One

Today is the first day after the earthquake, something that shook me til I hit ground zero. It is devastating, it is painful and it is unexpected. Although I've been through this before, I realize how my defenses have altered completely.

Day one is for state of shock. It's day when your mind is just filled with replays. Replays of what happened before the earthquake. Replays of how you acted and reacted while the ground was shaking beneath your feet. Words and cries continuously echo through your mind, making Day One very unproductive. Sure, you could go with your daily routine but your mind would be elsewhere.

Day One could also be spent in denial. It didn't happen. Maybe it can still be patched up. Maybe it's just among many other ordinary earthquakes. And because you're still in denial, maybe you will shed a few tears.

My Day One started out fine. I embraced the new yet familiar world. I went through my daily routine, with flashbacks often disturbing my thoughts. But I couldn't go through the day without doing two things. One was to talk to friends. I vented out my feelings, my worries, my thoughts. And as expected, they gave advice, which from experience I knew that any amount of it won't make me feel better. And two was to cry. I had to let the truth sink in. I had to mourn. I was sad and and I knew it is a must for me to let it all out.

Many years ago, I experienced the same thing from the same source. That time, I was a terrible mess. It was as if my world stopped. I lost my ground. I did immature things; looking back does not make me feel proud. It took me a long time before I tried to be out in the field again.

Now, I am thankful to see that my responses changed. I refuse to rebel, to do anything that would provoke guilt. I choose to sort my thoughts without the influence of anything but music. I refuse to do a text brigade informing everyone of the disaster I'm in. I just want to be with myself, nursing my broken heart.

It is only Day One. The good news is, at some point, things will get better from Day One to 1000. I will be strong. I will be better. I will be happy.

***

I don't know if I made any sense writing this. I tried to. But again, things will get better. In times like this, nothing else could soothe me but music. My song for today is Someone You Used To Know by Zee Avi. It captures the whole thing.

Goodnight. :)