This Can't Be Happening

As I woke up this morning, my thoughts narrowed down to just one person: you.

At that exact moment, I initially felt a jolt of joy. Remembering you puts a smile on my face at any given moment. But then I suddenly felt sad. It’s the kind of joy I have to keep to myself. Nobody else must know.

Maybe I’m just too vulnerable. Maybe this will fade as quickly as it became clear to me. Maybe months from now, I’ll be looking back at this day and realize how silly or foolish I am. But maybe this feeling, something I haven’t felt in years, might last.

So it was today when you suddenly evolved into my first thought in the morning. It was so elating and confusing at the same time. It was a feeling that was too much to bear with in the morning. I knew there was only one thing I can do - go back to sleep.

Rediscovery

1. I don’t write about my confusion, doubts and worries. I don’t want to give them the finality, or let alone some space in my life.
2. I am always in need of an outlet. There are a lot of things within me that I can’t contain.
3. Risks are my cup of tea. I feel afraid, yes. But I don’t mind. I’d rather regret something I did than regret something I didn’t do.
4. There is this free-spirited child within me, one that I have silenced and buried for years. I am a free-spirit. I roll the way I want to.
5. I am in love with love. Loving is one of my greatest abilities. Coupled with optimism, this ability becomes one of my deadliest weapons.
6. I miss loving and being loved in return, romantically. There is no synthetic substitute for that.
7. But even so, I still think it’s too early to love and to share my life completely with someone.
8. Currently, I am experiencing mild pain, floating anxiety and fleeting happiness. It is a mixture I have dealt with for so many times but still, this feels like the first. And though it brings me so much misery, I actually feel so alive.
9. Note to self: Choose someone who makes you laugh. Choose someone whom you can talk to, sensibly or non-sensibly. Choose someone who lets you find who you are and loves you for your best and worst versions. Choose someone who has always been and will always be a good friend. :)
10. I must constantly find the will to pray.