Naalala ko na may Blogspot pa pala ako. Nalilito ako sa dami ng online account na nagawa ko.
Ang haba ng araw, andaming ginawa. Pero ayoko pa itong matapos.
Dahil mag-isa ako sa bahay at nakakalungkot, naisipan kong magdala ng kasama pauwi..
Dalawang bote ng GPS. Isang lata ng sisig. At isang pint ng ice cream. Ayos.
Sa totoo lang, mukhang di tumalab ang dalawang bote.
Sa totoo lang, masaya ako. Tahimik ang buhay. Ang daling ngumiti. Ayoko na isipin kung kaya ko pang maging masaya. Dyan ako nadale dati.
Sa totoo lang, sinubukan kong magmahal ulit. Nagmahal ako pero wala akong napala. O baka hindi ko lang sinagad ang pagkakataon.
Sa totoo lang, naiisip ko pa rin siya. Iisa lang siya sa buhay ko. Mula sa simula. Kung hanggang kelan, ewan.
Sa totoo lang, takot ako. Tulad ng isinulat ko sa Tumblr. Paano kung naikot ko na ang mundo, nagawa ko na lahat ng gusto ko.. Pero siya pa rin ang hinahanap ko?
Sa totoo lang, dapat na akong tumahimik. Tumalab ang dalawang bote.
12.22.2010
8.16.2010
This Can't Be Happening
As I woke up this morning, my thoughts narrowed down to just one person: you.
At that exact moment, I initially felt a jolt of joy. Remembering you puts a smile on my face at any given moment. But then I suddenly felt sad. It’s the kind of joy I have to keep to myself. Nobody else must know.
Maybe I’m just too vulnerable. Maybe this will fade as quickly as it became clear to me. Maybe months from now, I’ll be looking back at this day and realize how silly or foolish I am. But maybe this feeling, something I haven’t felt in years, might last.
So it was today when you suddenly evolved into my first thought in the morning. It was so elating and confusing at the same time. It was a feeling that was too much to bear with in the morning. I knew there was only one thing I can do - go back to sleep.
At that exact moment, I initially felt a jolt of joy. Remembering you puts a smile on my face at any given moment. But then I suddenly felt sad. It’s the kind of joy I have to keep to myself. Nobody else must know.
Maybe I’m just too vulnerable. Maybe this will fade as quickly as it became clear to me. Maybe months from now, I’ll be looking back at this day and realize how silly or foolish I am. But maybe this feeling, something I haven’t felt in years, might last.
So it was today when you suddenly evolved into my first thought in the morning. It was so elating and confusing at the same time. It was a feeling that was too much to bear with in the morning. I knew there was only one thing I can do - go back to sleep.
8.11.2010
Rediscovery
- I don’t write about my confusion, doubts and worries. I don’t want to give them the finality, or let alone some space in my life.
- I am always in need of an outlet. There are a lot of things within me that I can’t contain.
- Risks are my cup of tea. I feel afraid, yes. But I don’t mind. I’d rather regret something I did than regret something I didn’t do.
- There is this free-spirited child within me, one that I have silenced and buried for years. I am a free-spirit. I roll the way I want to.
- I am in love with love. Loving is one of my greatest abilities. Coupled with optimism, this ability becomes one of my deadliest weapons.
- I miss loving and being loved in return, romantically. There is no synthetic substitute for that.
- But even so, I still think it’s too early to love and to share my life completely with someone.
- Currently, I am experiencing mild pain, floating anxiety and fleeting happiness. It is a mixture I have dealt with for so many times but still, this feels like the first. And though it brings me so much misery, I actually feel so alive.
- Note to self: Choose someone who makes you laugh. Choose someone whom you can talk to, sensibly or non-sensibly. Choose someone who lets you find who you are and loves you for your best and worst versions. Choose someone who has always been and will always be a good friend. :)
- I must constantly find the will to pray.
7.20.2010
Three Months
The three-month rule says you have to wait for three months after you broke up before you start dating again. And today, that’s exactly how long it has been. Three whole months.
So there I was at a bar one Monday night, armed with every intention to get drunk with my two male buddies while waiting for the slightest indication that he still wanted to work things out. The week before that was like my journey to and through hell - rejected calls, alibis and sometimes, nothing from him. I gave him an ultimatum - if I didn’t get any call from him that night, it would all be over. Come 12 midnight, I received my goodbye and thank you text message. Just like that.
First month. Cry a river.
I used to think that our break-up would kill me. It was a two-year relationship with my first love and best friend for over ten years. But to my surprise, I was actually fine. The people around me told me I was actually blooming. It was inexplicably strange.
But it wasn’t a walk in the park. Yes, I cried, although my reaction was a bit delayed. A picture of me weeks after the break-up would have shown a thoroughly depressed young lady crying herself to sleep and having only a pillow to console her. Yes, I got bitter. I bashed him with hatred-filled messages for so many times. Yes, I was angry. I called him up crying and asking if this is the happiness he imagined for me. And yes, I cried more when we finally met again after two months; that time, we were no longer lovers and not even friends. And that status hasn’t changed at all.
When we were still together, we had a deal: breaking up will never be an option. But then, I realized how the differences just crawl in, and no matter how much you love each other, you just can’t make each other happy anymore. I thought it was something like our previous break-ups, that we’d eventually be in each other’s arms. At one point, I even told him that I’d rather be miserable with him than be peaceful without him. Crazy, I know.
Second month. Build a bridge.
I think this was the point when I realized that our relationship was on a dead end. Though I no longer grieved, it still felt like I lost a part of me somewhere and I can’t seem to get it back. But then, I started to shift my perspective on other things. I started working as an interviewer and I feel really useful, relaxed and content with that job. It doesn’t even feel like work.
During the course of my relationship with The Boy, I was only able to go out with my friends for a few times. It even came to a point that I didn’t have updates from them at all. But during the second month post break-up, I really made it a point to be with them every single week. I’m glad they were still as wonderful as they were two years ago. Immediately after the break-up, they rushed to my side and never left since then. They knew I needed them more than ever and I’m so grateful. They helped me build the bridge I’m treading on.
But I had to admit, a part of me was trying to rebel. I was out two nights a week, either drinking with friends, staying out til the wee hours of the morning. I even had another cartilage piercing. I was a mess but I was happy. I never felt that loose, or maybe even that free, for the past couple of years.
Third month. Get over it.
A part of me was still affected during the first few weeks. I hated everything that reminded me of him and us. I hated buildings and volkswagens. I hated happy couples. I remembered every single line I wrote for him; I get pissed when I hear the songs he used to sing for me. I was still bitter and depressed.
This was the month when he finally came home. We talked til the wee hours of the morning. Before we even met, my mind was made up - I want to move on.
I thought I’d freeze when he picked me up at home but I was actually fine. We talked, we laughed, he told me stories. And before the night ended, he asked me back. I cried and ranted my heart out. He let me go too easily, I went to and through hell and back just to get myself together, and now he wanted me back. Crap. I finally learned to say no.
From that point onwards, things went on a blur. This is the point where I would share how we both are right now. I could lie and say that we’re civil. But we’re actually less than that. From the night we met, a few events transpired. Unexpectedly, he just gave me more pain to deal with and that made me stand by my decision all the more. It’s all over, I’m moving on.
If there’s one thing I’m actually sad about right now, it’s the fact that we were once wonderful friends and great lovers together and now we can’t stand each other, even just for fifteen minutes. It’s just sad how two people who used to share their lives together aren’t even talking. But I guess it takes time. A lot of time.
So all this brings us to where we are today. The end of the three months rule. I am commemorating this day not because finally, I can date. I honor this day as a form of appreciation for myself. I was strong, I am strong, and being strong was the only option I had. I’m alive, I’m free and I am surrounded with loving friends and family who are all willing to put a smile on my face at any given moment. I love them and I promise to be beside them when it’s their turn to go through hell and back. And I truly appreciate my male buddies. They might be crass and rude on ordinary days but for me, they were the most protective, most supportive and most entertaining all throughout. I am so lucky to have male friends who keep me objective and strong-willed. They are like brothers to me.
And thank you God, for making this process awfully wonderful for me. You gave me a lot of detours, a lot of events that made me wiser yet happier, and a lot of people to recognize in my life. I am still a work in progress and You are incredibly patient with me. I love you.
I can certainly say I know myself better these days. I am not in a hurry to jump into another relationship. I’m taking my time, enjoying the colorful friendships I’ve rekindled. I am stronger, wiser, better. I am moving on.
Cheers! :)
So there I was at a bar one Monday night, armed with every intention to get drunk with my two male buddies while waiting for the slightest indication that he still wanted to work things out. The week before that was like my journey to and through hell - rejected calls, alibis and sometimes, nothing from him. I gave him an ultimatum - if I didn’t get any call from him that night, it would all be over. Come 12 midnight, I received my goodbye and thank you text message. Just like that.
First month. Cry a river.
I used to think that our break-up would kill me. It was a two-year relationship with my first love and best friend for over ten years. But to my surprise, I was actually fine. The people around me told me I was actually blooming. It was inexplicably strange.
But it wasn’t a walk in the park. Yes, I cried, although my reaction was a bit delayed. A picture of me weeks after the break-up would have shown a thoroughly depressed young lady crying herself to sleep and having only a pillow to console her. Yes, I got bitter. I bashed him with hatred-filled messages for so many times. Yes, I was angry. I called him up crying and asking if this is the happiness he imagined for me. And yes, I cried more when we finally met again after two months; that time, we were no longer lovers and not even friends. And that status hasn’t changed at all.
When we were still together, we had a deal: breaking up will never be an option. But then, I realized how the differences just crawl in, and no matter how much you love each other, you just can’t make each other happy anymore. I thought it was something like our previous break-ups, that we’d eventually be in each other’s arms. At one point, I even told him that I’d rather be miserable with him than be peaceful without him. Crazy, I know.
Second month. Build a bridge.
I think this was the point when I realized that our relationship was on a dead end. Though I no longer grieved, it still felt like I lost a part of me somewhere and I can’t seem to get it back. But then, I started to shift my perspective on other things. I started working as an interviewer and I feel really useful, relaxed and content with that job. It doesn’t even feel like work.
During the course of my relationship with The Boy, I was only able to go out with my friends for a few times. It even came to a point that I didn’t have updates from them at all. But during the second month post break-up, I really made it a point to be with them every single week. I’m glad they were still as wonderful as they were two years ago. Immediately after the break-up, they rushed to my side and never left since then. They knew I needed them more than ever and I’m so grateful. They helped me build the bridge I’m treading on.
But I had to admit, a part of me was trying to rebel. I was out two nights a week, either drinking with friends, staying out til the wee hours of the morning. I even had another cartilage piercing. I was a mess but I was happy. I never felt that loose, or maybe even that free, for the past couple of years.
Third month. Get over it.
A part of me was still affected during the first few weeks. I hated everything that reminded me of him and us. I hated buildings and volkswagens. I hated happy couples. I remembered every single line I wrote for him; I get pissed when I hear the songs he used to sing for me. I was still bitter and depressed.
This was the month when he finally came home. We talked til the wee hours of the morning. Before we even met, my mind was made up - I want to move on.
I thought I’d freeze when he picked me up at home but I was actually fine. We talked, we laughed, he told me stories. And before the night ended, he asked me back. I cried and ranted my heart out. He let me go too easily, I went to and through hell and back just to get myself together, and now he wanted me back. Crap. I finally learned to say no.
From that point onwards, things went on a blur. This is the point where I would share how we both are right now. I could lie and say that we’re civil. But we’re actually less than that. From the night we met, a few events transpired. Unexpectedly, he just gave me more pain to deal with and that made me stand by my decision all the more. It’s all over, I’m moving on.
If there’s one thing I’m actually sad about right now, it’s the fact that we were once wonderful friends and great lovers together and now we can’t stand each other, even just for fifteen minutes. It’s just sad how two people who used to share their lives together aren’t even talking. But I guess it takes time. A lot of time.
So all this brings us to where we are today. The end of the three months rule. I am commemorating this day not because finally, I can date. I honor this day as a form of appreciation for myself. I was strong, I am strong, and being strong was the only option I had. I’m alive, I’m free and I am surrounded with loving friends and family who are all willing to put a smile on my face at any given moment. I love them and I promise to be beside them when it’s their turn to go through hell and back. And I truly appreciate my male buddies. They might be crass and rude on ordinary days but for me, they were the most protective, most supportive and most entertaining all throughout. I am so lucky to have male friends who keep me objective and strong-willed. They are like brothers to me.
And thank you God, for making this process awfully wonderful for me. You gave me a lot of detours, a lot of events that made me wiser yet happier, and a lot of people to recognize in my life. I am still a work in progress and You are incredibly patient with me. I love you.
I can certainly say I know myself better these days. I am not in a hurry to jump into another relationship. I’m taking my time, enjoying the colorful friendships I’ve rekindled. I am stronger, wiser, better. I am moving on.
Cheers! :)
7.15.2010
Thursday
I’ve been reading Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Now I want to do a lot of things: travel, be with myself, meet new people, try different cuisines, enjoy the beauty of this world. I can relate a lot with how the author felt. I realized that, with the length of time I spent with The Boy, I actually feel like I’m going through a bad divorce without the papers and rights to stuff.
She conquered depression and loneliness through travelling, learning a new language, a new faith, and different cultures. I wonder how I could conquer mine. And as I say that, I’m not even discouraged or anxious. I am excited. :)
***
Dad handled a whole day workshop today with people from the church. And because they’re people from church, he can’t simply light a cigarette and smoke when he wants to. He might get kicked out of his own racket. A few minutes ago, he pulled up on the driveway after the grueling day. He took his things inside the house, went to the garden, pulled out his red pack of cigarettes and smoked. I could hear him say “Aaaahh!”
***
Today I accompanied Mom to her physical therapy session. I initially planned on just sitting there and using free Wifi the entire time or reading a book. But when I got there, I wasn’t able to do any of these.
As soon as Mom settled in her cubicle, I took my seat in the middle of the room where the chairs were. I was surrounded by rehab equipment, therapists and disabled people. I couldn’t describe the feeling I had as I looked around the room. These were people with disabilities - unable to walk, speak, write, and even comprehend - and here they were, working their asses off and paying tons of money just to be fully functional again. I believe it was hard for them and yet there they were, pushing on pedals, lifting weights, tinkering with gadgets. To my surprise, they even had smiles on their faces.
At that moment, I thought to myself. Look at you. Look at them. Who has the world on their shoulders? What a shame. I’ve been having this pity party for myself for months now. What illness do I have? A broken heart? Sheesh. It hurts but somebody else is feeling more hurt than I am. I am blessed, I am happy. From now on, I wil smile at the world with the hopes that it will smile back at me.
On another note, I miss helping strangers.
***
And I want to say something. A part of me is truly and irrevocably happy. :)
She conquered depression and loneliness through travelling, learning a new language, a new faith, and different cultures. I wonder how I could conquer mine. And as I say that, I’m not even discouraged or anxious. I am excited. :)
***
Dad handled a whole day workshop today with people from the church. And because they’re people from church, he can’t simply light a cigarette and smoke when he wants to. He might get kicked out of his own racket. A few minutes ago, he pulled up on the driveway after the grueling day. He took his things inside the house, went to the garden, pulled out his red pack of cigarettes and smoked. I could hear him say “Aaaahh!”
***
Today I accompanied Mom to her physical therapy session. I initially planned on just sitting there and using free Wifi the entire time or reading a book. But when I got there, I wasn’t able to do any of these.
As soon as Mom settled in her cubicle, I took my seat in the middle of the room where the chairs were. I was surrounded by rehab equipment, therapists and disabled people. I couldn’t describe the feeling I had as I looked around the room. These were people with disabilities - unable to walk, speak, write, and even comprehend - and here they were, working their asses off and paying tons of money just to be fully functional again. I believe it was hard for them and yet there they were, pushing on pedals, lifting weights, tinkering with gadgets. To my surprise, they even had smiles on their faces.
At that moment, I thought to myself. Look at you. Look at them. Who has the world on their shoulders? What a shame. I’ve been having this pity party for myself for months now. What illness do I have? A broken heart? Sheesh. It hurts but somebody else is feeling more hurt than I am. I am blessed, I am happy. From now on, I wil smile at the world with the hopes that it will smile back at me.
On another note, I miss helping strangers.
***
And I want to say something. A part of me is truly and irrevocably happy. :)
7.07.2010
Wensday.
- I reblogged a million posts on Tumblr for safekeeping. Sorry.
- I’m in a major emotional overhaul. I need a detox. Will visit my friends who are three hours away tomorrow. Or probably head somewhere nobody knows me and stay there for a day.
- Been to the beach today though. For the first time, I didn’t get a sunburn! I was with my bosses, that’s why.
- I don’t trust myself lately. I don’t trust my instincts and the way I feel. Too vulnerable, too impulsive, too harsh. Staying away from trouble. Can’t fight fire with fire. And so if I say I miss someone, I can’t be so sure. But maybe I do.
- Coke is my drug. Bought one litre, poured some on a tall glass, threw in some ice, bottoms up. Now I’m gonna sleep.
7.06.2010
Self Portraits
Once upon a time, I hated taking photos of myself. And though I had this big camera that took wonderful photos of other things, I rarely directed the camera to myself. Not until someone told me, "If I had your camera, I would have taken a hundred photos of myself in a day."
I didn't do as she told me but I realized, I didn't have pictures of myself for most of the events in my life.
So I turned the lens the other way around and took shots of myself. This is to remind me of who I was in transition. One day, I might look back at this post and realize all the more how much of a dope I am. Haha.
Some of the photos here were taken by my sister. She enjoys photography and she's getting the hang of it. Looking at the spread I made now, I cringe at the sight of my own face. Hahaha.
Still, I have several dream portraits in mind.
1. Bokeh night shot of me and someone special sharing a kiss
2. Semi-nude photo with my long, thick and curly hair covering my chest, for as long as it doesn't look porn-ish
3. A random jeepney moment shot
4. Paparazzi photo of me walking in the street
5. More silhouette shots
6. Of course, me in a wedding dress. Not for a shoot but for the real thing.
7. Underwater photo of me wearing a long flowing black dress
8. A transvestite shot. Me transformed into a man. Goatee, mustache, polo shirt, the works.
9. Inside tunnels piled one on top of the other.
10. Me dancing in the rain.
Wish I could achieve 'em all. Narci much? Not really. Just loving photography. :)
I didn't do as she told me but I realized, I didn't have pictures of myself for most of the events in my life.
So I turned the lens the other way around and took shots of myself. This is to remind me of who I was in transition. One day, I might look back at this post and realize all the more how much of a dope I am. Haha.
Still, I have several dream portraits in mind.
1. Bokeh night shot of me and someone special sharing a kiss
2. Semi-nude photo with my long, thick and curly hair covering my chest, for as long as it doesn't look porn-ish
3. A random jeepney moment shot
4. Paparazzi photo of me walking in the street
5. More silhouette shots
6. Of course, me in a wedding dress. Not for a shoot but for the real thing.
7. Underwater photo of me wearing a long flowing black dress
8. A transvestite shot. Me transformed into a man. Goatee, mustache, polo shirt, the works.
9. Inside tunnels piled one on top of the other.
10. Me dancing in the rain.
Wish I could achieve 'em all. Narci much? Not really. Just loving photography. :)
7.04.2010
Dead End, Alaala, atbp.
Hindi ako lasing. Ang daming pumapasok sa isip ko.
So dead end na. Okay na ako dun, chox na yun. Pero andami naming nadaanan na hindi ko makalimutan.
Lugar, tao, kanta, pati mga building - lahat parang bookmark sa mga pahina ng aming nakaraan na dapat aynakasarado sunog na.
Masakit isipin na ang laki-laki ng investment ko, pinag-hirapan kong lumago at bumunga ang lahat. Isa ito sa mga bagay na alam kong pinaghirapan ko. Ang dami ng ginawa ko para sa amin. Pero nauwi sa wala. Bankrupt. Siguro minsan, it's a matter of luck.
So yun. Andaming nangyayari tuwing may naalala ako. Parang dinukot ang puso ko mula sa aking dibdib, winasak, dinuraan, inapak-apakan at iniwan sa daan para kainin ng mga daga. Parang may bombang isinuksok sa aking ribcage. Saka ko pa nalaman na andun iyon nung sumabog na. Parang nababawasan ang katinuan ko sa bawat alaala na sumasagi sa aking utak.
Sa ngayon, hindi ko kaaway ang taong yun. Kaaway ko ang alaala. Ilang beses mo ba dapat maalala ang isang bagay bago ito tuluyang mabura? O di kaya, gaano katagal mo bang hindi dapat isipin ang isang bagay para hindi na ito sumagi sa iyong isip?
Pero napakapositibo kong tao. Ayaw kong kalabanin ang aking alaala. Gusto kong kaibiganin ito, maging bihasa dito hanggang sa punto na ang alaala ko ay magsisilbing alipin ko at hindi ang kabaliktaran.
Dalawang taong relasyon, isang dekada ng alaala. Kung ako ikaw, sige nga.
So dead end na. Okay na ako dun, chox na yun. Pero andami naming nadaanan na hindi ko makalimutan.
Lugar, tao, kanta, pati mga building - lahat parang bookmark sa mga pahina ng aming nakaraan na dapat ay
Masakit isipin na ang laki-laki ng investment ko, pinag-hirapan kong lumago at bumunga ang lahat. Isa ito sa mga bagay na alam kong pinaghirapan ko. Ang dami ng ginawa ko para sa amin. Pero nauwi sa wala. Bankrupt. Siguro minsan, it's a matter of luck.
So yun. Andaming nangyayari tuwing may naalala ako. Parang dinukot ang puso ko mula sa aking dibdib, winasak, dinuraan, inapak-apakan at iniwan sa daan para kainin ng mga daga. Parang may bombang isinuksok sa aking ribcage. Saka ko pa nalaman na andun iyon nung sumabog na. Parang nababawasan ang katinuan ko sa bawat alaala na sumasagi sa aking utak.
Sa ngayon, hindi ko kaaway ang taong yun. Kaaway ko ang alaala. Ilang beses mo ba dapat maalala ang isang bagay bago ito tuluyang mabura? O di kaya, gaano katagal mo bang hindi dapat isipin ang isang bagay para hindi na ito sumagi sa iyong isip?
Pero napakapositibo kong tao. Ayaw kong kalabanin ang aking alaala. Gusto kong kaibiganin ito, maging bihasa dito hanggang sa punto na ang alaala ko ay magsisilbing alipin ko at hindi ang kabaliktaran.
Dalawang taong relasyon, isang dekada ng alaala. Kung ako ikaw, sige nga.
7.03.2010
Of Detours
It was midnight last night. I was taking a walk in front of my college campus with my friend. He asked me if I was headed home or if I was going to take a detour.
Detour. Oh how much this word means to me. My life is full of it.
June 1999. I thought I would continue studying at my elementary alma mater when, due to a miscommunication, I had to transfer to a new school.
March 2003. My heart was set on pursuing Biology as a pre-med course when my parents enrolled me beforehand and led me to choose BS Nursing instead.
March 2009. I was pursuing my career as a nurse when my mom got very sick. My career took a detour - I became my Mom’s private nurse for a year.
February 2010. When I finally decided to pass my resumes around, my Grndma got severely ill, giving her barely weeks to live. Another detour - I cared for her til her last breath.
April 2010. My relationship with the only love I knew fell apart. Just when I was trying to put the pieces back together, I encountered something that opened my eyes. Plus, I received a generous job offer.
If I look at what had happened to my life so far, I would think that fate has been screwing me up and pissing me off the whole time. I plan one thing only to be led to an entirely different path. I would probably ditch my life plans and just surrender myself to the wind.
But when I come to think of it, I should actually be thankful. Had I not been a nurse, I would not have known how to care for my loved ones. If I left for another country two years after I graduated, like I planned to, I wouldn’t have been there for my mom and my family during the most difficult times. If I made an absolutely impulsive decision two months ago, I would not have been home to take the call that led me to my current job. Makes sense? Yes, so much.
Detours. They lead us to a different road, one that is away from what we planned to take. At times we think a detour causes delay; at times, it’s actually the shorter route. But more often than not, and no matter how long or how crazy the path is, a detour definitely takes us to where we ought to be.
So last night, I told my friend I was headed home. I got a cab, asked the driver to take me home. Half way there, I realized I should be somewhere else.
Yes, detours exist. But perhaps, we have the choice to take them, make them or go all the way back.
Detour. Oh how much this word means to me. My life is full of it.
June 1999. I thought I would continue studying at my elementary alma mater when, due to a miscommunication, I had to transfer to a new school.
March 2003. My heart was set on pursuing Biology as a pre-med course when my parents enrolled me beforehand and led me to choose BS Nursing instead.
March 2009. I was pursuing my career as a nurse when my mom got very sick. My career took a detour - I became my Mom’s private nurse for a year.
February 2010. When I finally decided to pass my resumes around, my Grndma got severely ill, giving her barely weeks to live. Another detour - I cared for her til her last breath.
April 2010. My relationship with the only love I knew fell apart. Just when I was trying to put the pieces back together, I encountered something that opened my eyes. Plus, I received a generous job offer.
If I look at what had happened to my life so far, I would think that fate has been screwing me up and pissing me off the whole time. I plan one thing only to be led to an entirely different path. I would probably ditch my life plans and just surrender myself to the wind.
But when I come to think of it, I should actually be thankful. Had I not been a nurse, I would not have known how to care for my loved ones. If I left for another country two years after I graduated, like I planned to, I wouldn’t have been there for my mom and my family during the most difficult times. If I made an absolutely impulsive decision two months ago, I would not have been home to take the call that led me to my current job. Makes sense? Yes, so much.
Detours. They lead us to a different road, one that is away from what we planned to take. At times we think a detour causes delay; at times, it’s actually the shorter route. But more often than not, and no matter how long or how crazy the path is, a detour definitely takes us to where we ought to be.
So last night, I told my friend I was headed home. I got a cab, asked the driver to take me home. Half way there, I realized I should be somewhere else.
Yes, detours exist. But perhaps, we have the choice to take them, make them or go all the way back.
6.30.2010
Over The Fence
The title might give you an impression that this post is about transition, moving onward to another phase in life and exploring possibilities. But it isn’t. It’s simply about jumping over the fence.
The last time I did it was in Digos City, December 2006. I was with my friends Tracy, Wilson and Thomas; all four of us were drunk. We were standing outside Thomas’ house, where we were staying for months, staring at the padlocked gate to which none of us had the key. It was 4 am. We can’t just wake up the caretaker. We were saying silly things and laughing; the neighbors’ dogs were barking nonstop. But we were tired and sleepy and drunk. So we decided to climb the iron gate. It was a sight to behold: four drunk friends pushing and pulling each other over the fence.
After more than three years, I finally had the chance to do it again. To my family, I’ve been known to come home in the wee hours of the morning. But even so, I was sneaky - I always brought keys to all doors and gates with me. But tonight, I made a miss. After work, I headed home only to find that my family went out for dinner. I looked for my keys in my bag only to realize that I left them in my room. It was 7.30 PM and I was too tired to go somewhere else. Hence, I made a decision: over the fence it is. It was a sight to behold: I was in my patent leather Mary Janes, my acid-washed jeans and formal blouse and I hoisted myself up and over the gate and jumped inside the lawn. The funny thing was, while I was at the top and lifting my leg over to the other side, I heard our neighbor yell, “Aaaay matagak!”
I couldn’t explain the adrenaline rush I got on both occasions. I felt excited to stretch my limbs over the iron fence and yet embarassed about the possibility that someone might see me. But then, the moment my feet landed on the ground where I should be, it gave me a feeling that I hit home.
So yes, maybe we encounter locked gates in our lives. At times, there are moments when we can’t wait any longer so we decide to climb. It is a risk to be seen by other people; they might think what you’re doing is crazy, they might think you’d fall and get hurt. But what the heck, whether your friends are there or not, hoist yourself up and get over it. You’ll be closer to where you ought to be.
Alright, this post is not really about jumping over the fence.
The last time I did it was in Digos City, December 2006. I was with my friends Tracy, Wilson and Thomas; all four of us were drunk. We were standing outside Thomas’ house, where we were staying for months, staring at the padlocked gate to which none of us had the key. It was 4 am. We can’t just wake up the caretaker. We were saying silly things and laughing; the neighbors’ dogs were barking nonstop. But we were tired and sleepy and drunk. So we decided to climb the iron gate. It was a sight to behold: four drunk friends pushing and pulling each other over the fence.
After more than three years, I finally had the chance to do it again. To my family, I’ve been known to come home in the wee hours of the morning. But even so, I was sneaky - I always brought keys to all doors and gates with me. But tonight, I made a miss. After work, I headed home only to find that my family went out for dinner. I looked for my keys in my bag only to realize that I left them in my room. It was 7.30 PM and I was too tired to go somewhere else. Hence, I made a decision: over the fence it is. It was a sight to behold: I was in my patent leather Mary Janes, my acid-washed jeans and formal blouse and I hoisted myself up and over the gate and jumped inside the lawn. The funny thing was, while I was at the top and lifting my leg over to the other side, I heard our neighbor yell, “Aaaay matagak!”
I couldn’t explain the adrenaline rush I got on both occasions. I felt excited to stretch my limbs over the iron fence and yet embarassed about the possibility that someone might see me. But then, the moment my feet landed on the ground where I should be, it gave me a feeling that I hit home.
So yes, maybe we encounter locked gates in our lives. At times, there are moments when we can’t wait any longer so we decide to climb. It is a risk to be seen by other people; they might think what you’re doing is crazy, they might think you’d fall and get hurt. But what the heck, whether your friends are there or not, hoist yourself up and get over it. You’ll be closer to where you ought to be.
Alright, this post is not really about jumping over the fence.
6.12.2010
Oh How I Love My Job
Ladies and gentlemen, the thesaurus.
Interviewer: Define Thesaurus.
Student: A thesaurus belongs to the species of dinosaurs. It is considered extinct because we no longer see any Thesaurus in the world today. It is also one of the largest kinds of dinosaurs.
Interviewer died.
**
Interviewer: Define Thesaurus.
Student: A thesaurus is an.. uhmm.. organization that creates encyclopedias, dictionaries, magazines and newspapers. They produce these things to help students in school.
Interviewer: Right. Thesaurus Printing Press.
Interviewer: Define Thesaurus.
Student: A thesaurus belongs to the species of dinosaurs. It is considered extinct because we no longer see any Thesaurus in the world today. It is also one of the largest kinds of dinosaurs.
Interviewer died.
**
Interviewer: Define Thesaurus.
Student: A thesaurus is an.. uhmm.. organization that creates encyclopedias, dictionaries, magazines and newspapers. They produce these things to help students in school.
Interviewer: Right. Thesaurus Printing Press.
5.24.2010
Top 10 Songs For The Scorned Lover
So there are lots of times when I’d rather listen to music rather than write down or talk about my thoughts. It is truly a comfort to know that someone might have felt the same way as I did. These songs are ready-made statements for my sentiments.
If you’re looking for ballads and tear-jerkers, you won’t find ‘em here. This is my personal collection of angst-filled break up songs.- “Gives You Hell” by All-American Rejects. Blunt, real and a sure-fire hit.
- “You Oughtta Know” by Alanis Morrisette. On full blast while cleaning up the mess. :)
- “Don’t Speak” by No Doubt. I first heard this song when I was in fourth grade and I still love it.
- “The Brilliant Dance” by Dashboard Confessional. So you bury all your lover’s clothes and burn the letters lover wrote but it doesn’t make any better. ‘Nuf said.
- “Good F*cking Bye” and “Radio” by Alkaline Trio. Matt Skiba sounds like a veteran of break-ups. Though both songs are easy to listen to, they’re actually filled with so much angst. And I love em. Haha.
- “Best I Ever Had” by Vertical Horizon. It’s not so bad, you’re just the best I ever had. I remember a male friend who sings this everytime he gets dumped. Each ex was the best for him. LOL. :|
- “Love Hurts” by Incubus. But sometimes it’s a good hurt and it feels like I’m alive. Songs like this will get you by.
- “Tea and Sympathy” by Jars of Clay. For the immediate post break-up moment.
- “The Fight Is Over” by Urbandub. Gave all this time just to be let down.
- “Stitches and Burns” by Fra Lippo Lippi. A poetic masterpiece.
5.22.2010
DABDA ii
I'm one pathetic monster.
Being in bed is hell. Waking and sleeping is too arduous for me; my mind can't seem to stop having memory marathons. I sleep late, I wake up late.
I went out alone. My first soloflight drinking experience. Drinking alone is fun, with a hint of sarcasm.
I am not myself. I am useless. I'd rather go out than stay at home. Idle moments bore holes into my heart.
Emo. That's who I am. Can I save myself from all of this?
I know I need to divert my attention but I can't.
I'm not crying every night. I'm not drunk all week. I am just plain sad. I don't know what I want but I know what I don't want.
It's not good for me to be alone during this times. And yet I am.
All of these things seem to say one thing. Hello depression.
It's been a month since we broke up. I'm like a car stuck in mud and my engines are roaring, almost on the brink of exhaustion. I want all of the drama to stop.
I just want to bounce back. Be productive. Smile again.
I know I'm on my way there.
Being in bed is hell. Waking and sleeping is too arduous for me; my mind can't seem to stop having memory marathons. I sleep late, I wake up late.
I went out alone. My first soloflight drinking experience. Drinking alone is fun, with a hint of sarcasm.
I am not myself. I am useless. I'd rather go out than stay at home. Idle moments bore holes into my heart.
Emo. That's who I am. Can I save myself from all of this?
I know I need to divert my attention but I can't.
I'm not crying every night. I'm not drunk all week. I am just plain sad. I don't know what I want but I know what I don't want.
It's not good for me to be alone during this times. And yet I am.
All of these things seem to say one thing. Hello depression.
It's been a month since we broke up. I'm like a car stuck in mud and my engines are roaring, almost on the brink of exhaustion. I want all of the drama to stop.
I just want to bounce back. Be productive. Smile again.
I know I'm on my way there.
5.16.2010
Summer Nostalgia
I was supposed to share this album last March. But hey, I think photographs tend to hold so much memory as they age.
"Another sun-soaked season fades away.."
"You have stolen my heart.."
"Launched a thousand ships in my heart so easily.."
"Walking away as the sky fades to gray."
Welcoming new seasons and reasons to celebrate.
Cheers to the joy of friendship.
Your college friends know who you are. But highschool friends will always know why.
I want more shooots! :)
5.15.2010
Random i
I didn't even like the song 'til I heard you sing it. It was a trap. I know years from now, I'll feel a wave of nostalgia whenever I hear that song.
They were just poetic words set to slow music. Altogether, these words suddenly formed the soundtrack of my life.
But you're wrong. I now remember you with every love song I hear.
I never thought ballads could still penetrate my subconscious.
You make every love song matter.
They were just poetic words set to slow music. Altogether, these words suddenly formed the soundtrack of my life.
But you're wrong. I now remember you with every love song I hear.
I never thought ballads could still penetrate my subconscious.
You make every love song matter.
5.10.2010
Voted!
This day holds a historical event in the Philippines - the first ever automated elections. Even if I was down with colds, cough and fever, I coerced myself to get up, go out there, and cast my vote.
I was watching TV in the morning. The news revealed nothing but negativity - malfunctions here, anomalies there, etc. I thought I was gonna wait for four hours before I could vote.
My bro and I went to the precinct with our gear - my camera, a bottle of water, and my two cellphones. Surprisingly, when we got there, there was no line for our polling precinct. We waited for a few seconds then we were ushered in. Ten minutes later, I was done shading. I inserted the ballot into the machine that looked like a trash bin but I hope it isn't so. Then the guy marked my nail with an indellible ink. Done.
While shading, I remember being conscious of my shading style. Board exams require me to shade as dark as I can. This time, I shaded lightly, I was afraid the ink would go through the other side of the ballot. And I kept counting my senators over and over again. Just being sure. :)
It's my first time to vote and I'm actually excited. Despite the insanity all over the Philippines, I realized I'm actually hopeful of how my vote would affect the nation in the coming years.
Many years from now, when automated elections would be obsolete, I hope I might live to tell the story of this day.
I was watching TV in the morning. The news revealed nothing but negativity - malfunctions here, anomalies there, etc. I thought I was gonna wait for four hours before I could vote.
My bro and I went to the precinct with our gear - my camera, a bottle of water, and my two cellphones. Surprisingly, when we got there, there was no line for our polling precinct. We waited for a few seconds then we were ushered in. Ten minutes later, I was done shading. I inserted the ballot into the machine that looked like a trash bin but I hope it isn't so. Then the guy marked my nail with an indellible ink. Done.
While shading, I remember being conscious of my shading style. Board exams require me to shade as dark as I can. This time, I shaded lightly, I was afraid the ink would go through the other side of the ballot. And I kept counting my senators over and over again. Just being sure. :)
It's my first time to vote and I'm actually excited. Despite the insanity all over the Philippines, I realized I'm actually hopeful of how my vote would affect the nation in the coming years.
Many years from now, when automated elections would be obsolete, I hope I might live to tell the story of this day.
5.09.2010
DABDA
For weeks I thought I was doing fine. Night-out here, work there, meet-ups here and there. I was busy. But I breathed.
And then something happened that made me hold my breath.
I was sharing photos with a friend when I saw old photos. Of us. You can call me a masochist, but yeah. I browsed through each and every photo we had for the last two years. The end result? I cried. Hot tears came flowing down my face.
My mind was on a rut. I thought I was okay. I thought I had it all under control.
I remembered something. DABDA. The past three weeks was a huge D - Denial.
I cried endlessly. I thought of how happy we both were, how we enjoyed each other's company, how we shared our lives together. How could something so beautiful just end so sudden? What went wrong? To think that I imagined and wished to spend the rest of my life with him. But then, he's not the one. So what now?Sift through the billions of people in the world?
Now, I think I'm past the Denial stage. I'm moving on to Anger. Oh how I hate him today. It's strange how I could love someone so much and suddenly be this angry and full of hatred. But I do miss him. His company, our laughs, the good times, who I was with him.
I've seen all this before, went through all this. And I'm determined to get better in time.
DABDA. Please let me jump to the last A.
And then something happened that made me hold my breath.
I was sharing photos with a friend when I saw old photos. Of us. You can call me a masochist, but yeah. I browsed through each and every photo we had for the last two years. The end result? I cried. Hot tears came flowing down my face.
My mind was on a rut. I thought I was okay. I thought I had it all under control.
I remembered something. DABDA. The past three weeks was a huge D - Denial.
I cried endlessly. I thought of how happy we both were, how we enjoyed each other's company, how we shared our lives together. How could something so beautiful just end so sudden? What went wrong? To think that I imagined and wished to spend the rest of my life with him. But then, he's not the one. So what now?Sift through the billions of people in the world?
Now, I think I'm past the Denial stage. I'm moving on to Anger. Oh how I hate him today. It's strange how I could love someone so much and suddenly be this angry and full of hatred. But I do miss him. His company, our laughs, the good times, who I was with him.
I've seen all this before, went through all this. And I'm determined to get better in time.
DABDA. Please let me jump to the last A.
5.05.2010
EDSA at Kalayaan
Kausap ko ang estudyante ko kanina. Pinag-uusapan namin ang isang historical landmark na napuntahan niya sa Maynila - ang EDSA Shrine. Sabi niya, nung panahon ng EDSA revolution, walang kalayaan ang mga tao na gawin ang maraming bagay. Sinabi niya rin na wala rin daw "freedom of depressed".
Natahimik ako sa sinabi niya. Maganda yun ah. Freedom of Depressed.
Sa panahong talamak ang ka-emo-han at ka-OA-han sa mundo, malamang dapat nating isulong ang kalayaan ng mga taong depressed. Sakop nito ang mga privilege ng mga taong tinamaan ng matinding depresyon sa kanilang buhay.
Matindi ang pinagdadaanan ko ngayon pero hindi ko masabi kung depression nga ba ito. Alam ko na pagdepressed ako, marami akong karapatan. Tulad ng..
1. Maglasing araw-araw sa loob ng isang buwan. Kilalanin ang lahat ng cocktail na nakalista sa menu.
2. Lumamon ng lahat ng pagkaing gusto ko. Kulang nalang, humilata sa kama at abangan ang stroke.
3. O di kaya, kalimutan na kailangan ng katawan ko ang pagkain. Gawing idol si Karen Carpenter.
4. Matulog buong araw. Aakalain ng mga kasama ko sa bahay na na-stroke na nga ako.
5. Makinig labsongs umaga hanggang gabi. Masokista, sobra.
6. Magpost ng status sa FB maya't maya, daig pa ang adbertays ni Villar sa TV.
7. Isubsob ang sarili sa trabaho. Ultimo paglilinis ng banyo sa opisina, feel kong gawin.
8. Pumunta sa mataong lugar at tumunganga mag-isa.
9. Umiyak habang kumakain ng ice cream.
10. Magpa-manicure at pedicure linggo-linggo.
Para sa akin, ito ang mga bagay na sakop ng Freedom of Depressed dahil ginawa ko ang lahat ng ito minsan sa aking buhay. Sa ngayon, ang nagagawa ko pa lamang ay ang number 8. Hindi naman ako gaanong tumunganga. Nagpa-cute lang ng konti sa mga lalake sa kabilang la mesa at umuwi agad ng kinilabutan na. Siguro depressed ako, siguro hindi. Siguro natutunan ko na ang mga pinaka-epektibong paraan upang magmukhang normal kahit malungkot.
Freedom of Depressed. Alam kong barok pakinggan at alam kong dapat kong pinagtawanan ang estudyante ko kanina. Subalit nakaisip ako ng isang mahalagang aral. Kung karapatan ng tao na maging masaya, may karapatan din siyang makaramdam ng lungkot at maghanap ng paraan upang maibsan ito, basta't wala siyang naapakan o nasasaktang iba.
Nagtatagalog ako kasi napagod ako sa kaka-ingles buong hapon.
Bow.
Natahimik ako sa sinabi niya. Maganda yun ah. Freedom of Depressed.
Sa panahong talamak ang ka-emo-han at ka-OA-han sa mundo, malamang dapat nating isulong ang kalayaan ng mga taong depressed. Sakop nito ang mga privilege ng mga taong tinamaan ng matinding depresyon sa kanilang buhay.
Matindi ang pinagdadaanan ko ngayon pero hindi ko masabi kung depression nga ba ito. Alam ko na pagdepressed ako, marami akong karapatan. Tulad ng..
1. Maglasing araw-araw sa loob ng isang buwan. Kilalanin ang lahat ng cocktail na nakalista sa menu.
2. Lumamon ng lahat ng pagkaing gusto ko. Kulang nalang, humilata sa kama at abangan ang stroke.
3. O di kaya, kalimutan na kailangan ng katawan ko ang pagkain. Gawing idol si Karen Carpenter.
4. Matulog buong araw. Aakalain ng mga kasama ko sa bahay na na-stroke na nga ako.
5. Makinig labsongs umaga hanggang gabi. Masokista, sobra.
6. Magpost ng status sa FB maya't maya, daig pa ang adbertays ni Villar sa TV.
7. Isubsob ang sarili sa trabaho. Ultimo paglilinis ng banyo sa opisina, feel kong gawin.
8. Pumunta sa mataong lugar at tumunganga mag-isa.
9. Umiyak habang kumakain ng ice cream.
10. Magpa-manicure at pedicure linggo-linggo.
Para sa akin, ito ang mga bagay na sakop ng Freedom of Depressed dahil ginawa ko ang lahat ng ito minsan sa aking buhay. Sa ngayon, ang nagagawa ko pa lamang ay ang number 8. Hindi naman ako gaanong tumunganga. Nagpa-cute lang ng konti sa mga lalake sa kabilang la mesa at umuwi agad ng kinilabutan na. Siguro depressed ako, siguro hindi. Siguro natutunan ko na ang mga pinaka-epektibong paraan upang magmukhang normal kahit malungkot.
Freedom of Depressed. Alam kong barok pakinggan at alam kong dapat kong pinagtawanan ang estudyante ko kanina. Subalit nakaisip ako ng isang mahalagang aral. Kung karapatan ng tao na maging masaya, may karapatan din siyang makaramdam ng lungkot at maghanap ng paraan upang maibsan ito, basta't wala siyang naapakan o nasasaktang iba.
Nagtatagalog ako kasi napagod ako sa kaka-ingles buong hapon.
Bow.
5.04.2010
Day One
Day One is all about the jitters and the excitement and the two-hour thrill in preparation for the big day. Today is my day one.
I was invited by my IELTS review center to join their team. Without thinking twice, I said yes. And today was the first day of my stint as an interviewer.
I was once on the receiving end of the mental torture you get when reviewing for the IELTS. Today, it felt quite good to be on the other end haha.
The first student I interviewed was jittery. And so was I.
Nikka: Good afternoon.
Boy: Good afternoon Ma'am.
Nikka: Have a seat.
Boy: (takes his seat)
Nikka: Good afternoon.
Boy: Good afternoon Ma'am.
Sheesh. But as the hours went by, I realized how I shouldn't be the chicken in that scene. So I picked up the pace and tried to enjoy the afternoon. It was nice to hear their opinions and the varying ways they answer.
It's only my first day and I already had lots of fun. Yes, I admit, my students had bloopers and my evil twin was laughing the whole time but I'll save these stories for drinking sessions and chillax paloozas. But I'll take it as my responsibility to help and counsel the students; I know how much everybody wants to be on greener pastures for a change.
I know it's only day one. But I like the job so much that I hope to keep it for the longest time possible. Day One is for dipping my toes in the water and I think the water is just right.
Thank you Lord. You are amazing.
Cheers!
I was invited by my IELTS review center to join their team. Without thinking twice, I said yes. And today was the first day of my stint as an interviewer.
I was once on the receiving end of the mental torture you get when reviewing for the IELTS. Today, it felt quite good to be on the other end haha.
The first student I interviewed was jittery. And so was I.
Nikka: Good afternoon.
Boy: Good afternoon Ma'am.
Nikka: Have a seat.
Boy: (takes his seat)
Nikka: Good afternoon.
Boy: Good afternoon Ma'am.
Sheesh. But as the hours went by, I realized how I shouldn't be the chicken in that scene. So I picked up the pace and tried to enjoy the afternoon. It was nice to hear their opinions and the varying ways they answer.
It's only my first day and I already had lots of fun. Yes, I admit, my students had bloopers and my evil twin was laughing the whole time but I'll save these stories for drinking sessions and chillax paloozas. But I'll take it as my responsibility to help and counsel the students; I know how much everybody wants to be on greener pastures for a change.
I know it's only day one. But I like the job so much that I hope to keep it for the longest time possible. Day One is for dipping my toes in the water and I think the water is just right.
Thank you Lord. You are amazing.
Cheers!
5.03.2010
Oh The Memories :)
Here are recent photos that I absolutely adore. :)
This was taken weeks ago, after the shoot for the latest set. Takmu, Nikki and me just fooling around. Nikki is in her best element! Bwahaha.
Last April 29. 2010, Mama celebrated her 50th birthday. And since my friends lived in the neighboring towns, I invited them to come over. This is Japoy, my friend's bro. I like this photo cos I never knew I could laugh that hard again! :)
These are some of my most amazing friends. Pepito, Esme, Mamu and Belle. A lot of people are still missing in this pic: Gian, Beri, Gideon and Eking. Hopefully we could all get together one day. :) Seeing them makes me realize how much I missed out on in the past couple of years.
These were the youngest and noisiest and hungriest guests on my Mom's birthday. Love love love. :) The kid on the photo is my cousin Allistair. He knows too much about dinosaurs.
See how much she has grown! :) This is Nia trying to be a dalaga by imitating what I'm doing. She got her lips too red after this shot.
I'm having a blast and these photos aren't enough to prove it. Life is good :)
Cheers! :)
4.26.2010
On Repeat
Songs that tickle my neurons.
--
Lord, thank you for letting this happen. All of this. I'm embracing this twisted life with full acceptance and enthusiasm. Amen. :)
--
I'm thrilled to start working. VERY thrilled! :D
- Perfectly Lonely (John Mayer) This is SO me.
- Hey Soul Sister (Train) Love the happy beat.
- Hands Down ( Dashboard Confessional) The words are epic.
- Tattooed on My Mind (D'Sound) I didn't know the meaning of this song til I felt it for myself.
- Five Candles (Jars of Clay) "I would jump if I knew you'd catch me." Exactly.
- Sitting, Wishing, Waiting (Jack Johnson) There you go.
- Perfect Day (Collective Soul) My feel-good morning song. :)
--
Lord, thank you for letting this happen. All of this. I'm embracing this twisted life with full acceptance and enthusiasm. Amen. :)
--
I'm thrilled to start working. VERY thrilled! :D
4.25.2010
I Must Be Sick
Suddenly my life is not my own. I'm a zombie.
How did this happen? A week ago, I was completely the opposite of who I am now. It's like fate turned a switch on or moved a few things around. It's like gates have been opened; whether it's to my favor or not, time will tell. Funny how friends see positive changes in me, changes I can't even see for myself.
I haven't listened to mushy songs for ages. Now it's both a hobby and a torment that I endure.
I smile effortlessly. I find so much peace in being with myself and you on my thoughts.
I'm waging a war against emotion and reason. A single hint of you and I lose the battle each time.
Clinging on the cliff. Afraid to fall. Definite that the ground is barren beneath. But hoping that maybe, just maybe, I could fly.
I can't write enough. I can't write everything. I can't write simply because my mind plays reruns that are quicker than my thoughts. I can't write because I don't want to express; I want to keep it to myself and dissolve it within. Maybe it will all go away. Maybe I will be cured.
How did this happen? A week ago, I was completely the opposite of who I am now. It's like fate turned a switch on or moved a few things around. It's like gates have been opened; whether it's to my favor or not, time will tell. Funny how friends see positive changes in me, changes I can't even see for myself.
I haven't listened to mushy songs for ages. Now it's both a hobby and a torment that I endure.
I smile effortlessly. I find so much peace in being with myself and you on my thoughts.
I'm waging a war against emotion and reason. A single hint of you and I lose the battle each time.
Clinging on the cliff. Afraid to fall. Definite that the ground is barren beneath. But hoping that maybe, just maybe, I could fly.
I can't write enough. I can't write everything. I can't write simply because my mind plays reruns that are quicker than my thoughts. I can't write because I don't want to express; I want to keep it to myself and dissolve it within. Maybe it will all go away. Maybe I will be cured.
4.20.2010
Awesome Lines
From one of my all-time favorite bands, Dashboard Confessional.
And another one from Snow Patrol.
A story in just a few words.
My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me. So won't you kill me, so I'd die happy."
And another one from Snow Patrol.
If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?
A story in just a few words.
4.19.2010
I hate this part right here.
This morning I deleted my Facebook account to avoid the sudden urge to publicize my personal life. And now, to save me from posting my entire misery on my twitter account, I decided to write.
I hate this part right here.
I'm going through a rough patch. That certain part in your life when you feel like everything isn't going as planned, isn't as great as they should be, isn't as wonderful as others have it. It's this point where all aspects of my life are down. I've got the blues. Crying won't help, writing won't help, drinking won't help, talking won't help. I think I'm practically empty-handed; the only one I have left is God.
I think the heaviest and sappiest part of this bluesy feeling is the fact that my long distance relationship is on the rocks. No, boulders. We rarely talk. We exchange messages only two times a day, compared to the hundreds of messages we exchange all the time. I don't know what's going on with his life and I doubt if he knows what I'm crawling through. Everything is truly blurry. I've been calling him up endlessly since ten pm last night and he has no utter intention of picking up the phone. I've evolved into this purple pathetic monster.
Part of me wants to go out and make a mess out of myself. Part of me just wants to sit and sulk, wait for the call or message that won't seem to arrive.
I used to wonder what would happen in case I stop believing. I guess this is it. I know the place where I am now. It's called the lowest low.
I hate this part right here.
I'm going through a rough patch. That certain part in your life when you feel like everything isn't going as planned, isn't as great as they should be, isn't as wonderful as others have it. It's this point where all aspects of my life are down. I've got the blues. Crying won't help, writing won't help, drinking won't help, talking won't help. I think I'm practically empty-handed; the only one I have left is God.
I think the heaviest and sappiest part of this bluesy feeling is the fact that my long distance relationship is on the rocks. No, boulders. We rarely talk. We exchange messages only two times a day, compared to the hundreds of messages we exchange all the time. I don't know what's going on with his life and I doubt if he knows what I'm crawling through. Everything is truly blurry. I've been calling him up endlessly since ten pm last night and he has no utter intention of picking up the phone. I've evolved into this purple pathetic monster.
Part of me wants to go out and make a mess out of myself. Part of me just wants to sit and sulk, wait for the call or message that won't seem to arrive.
I used to wonder what would happen in case I stop believing. I guess this is it. I know the place where I am now. It's called the lowest low.
I never thought I would find myself in this place again. I thought I already graduated from insane events like this. And here I am again. It sucks.
"But I believe in you so much,
I could die from the words that you say.
I'm chasing the ghost of a good thing."
3.25.2010
What Happened?
Updates, updates. A way to remind myself that things happen in my life. :p
1. My sister graduated from highschool last Monday! After listening to the speaker read 500 plus names the whole morning, the whole ceremony was finally over. Geez. As usual, I played "personal photographer" for her that day.
2. I'm having a blast maintaining our ukay-ukay online shop! Not because I'm making my own money but because it's such a happy business. I always get excited when my friend Janine and I go on our ukay trips. Ukay-ukay is truly fab, chic and cheap clothing without compromising your budget! We have great plans for the shop and we are keeping our fingers crossed. For now, we're just working our asses of while still being thankful. And before I forget, the shop is http://ohmyukayukay.multiply.com. ♥
3. Because I hate it when my hair sticks to my wet nape on those dreary hot afternoons, I had my hair trimmed. I got tired of the taong grasa look so I visited my favorite salon and had a fifteen-minute haircut. Loved it. :)
4. One of this week's highlights would have to be our family lunch at Marco Polo. I wish I could tell you how much I ate that day! But they really have the best buffet in the city.
1. My sister graduated from highschool last Monday! After listening to the speaker read 500 plus names the whole morning, the whole ceremony was finally over. Geez. As usual, I played "personal photographer" for her that day.
2. I'm having a blast maintaining our ukay-ukay online shop! Not because I'm making my own money but because it's such a happy business. I always get excited when my friend Janine and I go on our ukay trips. Ukay-ukay is truly fab, chic and cheap clothing without compromising your budget! We have great plans for the shop and we are keeping our fingers crossed. For now, we're just working our asses of while still being thankful. And before I forget, the shop is http://ohmyukayukay.multiply.com. ♥
3. Because I hate it when my hair sticks to my wet nape on those dreary hot afternoons, I had my hair trimmed. I got tired of the taong grasa look so I visited my favorite salon and had a fifteen-minute haircut. Loved it. :)
It's still long anyway.
4. One of this week's highlights would have to be our family lunch at Marco Polo. I wish I could tell you how much I ate that day! But they really have the best buffet in the city.
I certainly cannot have enough sushi. This was not the last plate yet. :p
5. And ah yes, photography. It's all so sisterly. :)
See, things happen. Hooray. :)
3.17.2010
So I haven't written anything in a while.
And I have so many things to say.
I know what I want to do but I don’t do it. But right now, I’m doing what I love. Next, I wanna see if I can love what I’m doing. Confusing? Basta.
I appreciate my “Big Sister-liness” nowadays. For two weeks, I’ve been manning the house with my two siblings in it. And it’s fun.
I took my sister to Times Beach the other day. And of all the things that could ever happen in a million years, some random guy came up to me and started talking! To my surprise, he was actually good-looking and neat and maputi! I was wondering, where were you when I was announcing to the whole world that I was available? But naaaaahhh.
Long distance relationships require the hardest work. No effort, no relationship. If you don’t dial that number, you move a kilometer further apart. But he makes it a bit easier for me. I’m stopping myself from swooning and being cheesy, but yes, he gives me so much assurance.
While waiting for a jeepney on my way home, I saw a mini-cooper. A shiny yellow one. ‘66 Austin Cooper. Two-door. Leather seats and all. I fell in love. I want one sooo badly. :|
Jeepney rides are fun. You don’t know what you’ll come across on your way home. The different people you sit beside with. The cars you see on the road. I felt like a kindergarten when I rode the jeep today. The attraction of the day was a guy riding a bike, with a speaker playing “budots” music strapped on his back.
Love. Peace. Happiness. I’m having heaps of all three today. Thank you Lord. :)
I know what I want to do but I don’t do it. But right now, I’m doing what I love. Next, I wanna see if I can love what I’m doing. Confusing? Basta.
I appreciate my “Big Sister-liness” nowadays. For two weeks, I’ve been manning the house with my two siblings in it. And it’s fun.
I took my sister to Times Beach the other day. And of all the things that could ever happen in a million years, some random guy came up to me and started talking! To my surprise, he was actually good-looking and neat and maputi! I was wondering, where were you when I was announcing to the whole world that I was available? But naaaaahhh.
Long distance relationships require the hardest work. No effort, no relationship. If you don’t dial that number, you move a kilometer further apart. But he makes it a bit easier for me. I’m stopping myself from swooning and being cheesy, but yes, he gives me so much assurance.
While waiting for a jeepney on my way home, I saw a mini-cooper. A shiny yellow one. ‘66 Austin Cooper. Two-door. Leather seats and all. I fell in love. I want one sooo badly. :|
Jeepney rides are fun. You don’t know what you’ll come across on your way home. The different people you sit beside with. The cars you see on the road. I felt like a kindergarten when I rode the jeep today. The attraction of the day was a guy riding a bike, with a speaker playing “budots” music strapped on his back.
Love. Peace. Happiness. I’m having heaps of all three today. Thank you Lord. :)
2.27.2010
Hello Summer!
Last thursday, I finally had a well-deserved time out with my friends. We love spur-of-the-moment plans, which is why the whole trip was planned just the night before. I wasn't even planning to come, not until Thursday morning. Good thing I changed my mind!
When my friends and I go out on beach trips like this, we usually spend the first few hours eating, then the next few hours laughing, and the next few more hours swimming and laughing and camwhoring. Beach trips with them are always insane! :)
Sun, sand, sea, super crazy people = love. I'm happily burnt but who cares, nobody sees my maroon-colored back anyway! Can't wait for our next trip!
When my friends and I go out on beach trips like this, we usually spend the first few hours eating, then the next few hours laughing, and the next few more hours swimming and laughing and camwhoring. Beach trips with them are always insane! :)
Sun, sand, sea, super crazy people = love. I'm happily burnt but who cares, nobody sees my maroon-colored back anyway! Can't wait for our next trip!
2.23.2010
Sunset Love
Late one afternoon, my family and I took a hike on the hill where my Grandma was buried weeks ago. Our attention was caught by this majestic scene.
There is truly something about sunsets. It’s like a daily show - sometimes we miss it, sometimes it isn't on schedule, sometimes it gets “cancelled”. But nonetheless, watching the Director unfold His latest masterpiece — priceless.
For the longest time now, I’ve been wanting to capture a full round sun sinking down the horizon. When, where, how? No idea. :)
Call me an emo or a freak, but yeah, I'm a sucker for those orange and yellow hues on the sky. It makes me think of the day that has passed by and the days to come, where I wanna be, who I want to be with, what I want to do. It's like talking to God. It's a breath-taking moment that you can't spoil with gossip or chit-chat. It's such a beauty.
There is truly something about sunsets. It’s like a daily show - sometimes we miss it, sometimes it isn't on schedule, sometimes it gets “cancelled”. But nonetheless, watching the Director unfold His latest masterpiece — priceless.
For the longest time now, I’ve been wanting to capture a full round sun sinking down the horizon. When, where, how? No idea. :)
Call me an emo or a freak, but yeah, I'm a sucker for those orange and yellow hues on the sky. It makes me think of the day that has passed by and the days to come, where I wanna be, who I want to be with, what I want to do. It's like talking to God. It's a breath-taking moment that you can't spoil with gossip or chit-chat. It's such a beauty.
2.17.2010
Groupie Days
This morning, I watched the movie Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist at HBO. From the moment it started, I knew it was a teenie-bopper kind of movie. I don't wanna spoil the story but it certainly circled on band gigs, good music and of course finding love amidst all that.
While watching it, I was reminded of my days as a groupie back in college. Ahh those days. Picking up my friends on a Saturday night to watch a gig, sneaking to the backstage and prodding each other to ask a band member if we could get a picture.
I remembered driving after a band's van til it reached the hotel. Or sneaking through the crowd of drunkards just to take a good shot. And even throwing ice cubes in the air once the crowd of drunkards got too wild. And I clearly remember my shaking knees when I saw Ira Cruz for the first time - a real life Adonis smoking and downing a bottle of beer in front of me - aahh it was so surreal for me that I wasn't even able to say a single word. (The second time I met Ira, I was able to muster enough courage to have a picture with him. That fraction of a second beside him made me want to take him home and introduce him to my mother.) All the yelling, screaming and drooling while the band performs. And singing along every song they play. Oh geez.
And I must not fail to mention the dudes watching the gig. Since we girls knew that these band members were simply unreachable, we often shifted our attention to the dudes around. We girls wanted the same kind of guy - scruffy, tough, unshaved, wearing a black or gray shirt and a sucker for the kind of music we loved. No better place to look for someone like that. Amidst the gigs were our love affairs that never really happened. Love affairs that were just based on locking gazes and smiling at each other but never really having anything beyond that.
And of course, we would hang out at McDonald's or a coffee shop afterwards, scan the pictures we took and giggle about the whole night. Aaah groupie nights.
I wasn't really a pure-blood groupie; I was even too shy to rub elbows with vocalists and lead guitarists. And I've known girls who would really go to the distance, book a flight to where the band's next gig would be. Me and my girls were semi-groupies I suppose. But those days eventually came to an end as we were finishing college.
My groupie days were a colorful strain. Thinking about it now makes me feel a bit awkward - I actually chased men I didn't even have a personal connection with! But then typing this makes me smile. Knowing that I once lived according to whims, infatuations and fleeting feelings gives me the right to be a bit serious on life.
Passing by Gensan the other day, I saw this huge poster of Bamboo with the greek god himself Ira Cruz on the background. Aaah, those were the days. :)
While watching it, I was reminded of my days as a groupie back in college. Ahh those days. Picking up my friends on a Saturday night to watch a gig, sneaking to the backstage and prodding each other to ask a band member if we could get a picture.
I remembered driving after a band's van til it reached the hotel. Or sneaking through the crowd of drunkards just to take a good shot. And even throwing ice cubes in the air once the crowd of drunkards got too wild. And I clearly remember my shaking knees when I saw Ira Cruz for the first time - a real life Adonis smoking and downing a bottle of beer in front of me - aahh it was so surreal for me that I wasn't even able to say a single word. (The second time I met Ira, I was able to muster enough courage to have a picture with him. That fraction of a second beside him made me want to take him home and introduce him to my mother.) All the yelling, screaming and drooling while the band performs. And singing along every song they play. Oh geez.
And I must not fail to mention the dudes watching the gig. Since we girls knew that these band members were simply unreachable, we often shifted our attention to the dudes around. We girls wanted the same kind of guy - scruffy, tough, unshaved, wearing a black or gray shirt and a sucker for the kind of music we loved. No better place to look for someone like that. Amidst the gigs were our love affairs that never really happened. Love affairs that were just based on locking gazes and smiling at each other but never really having anything beyond that.
And of course, we would hang out at McDonald's or a coffee shop afterwards, scan the pictures we took and giggle about the whole night. Aaah groupie nights.
I wasn't really a pure-blood groupie; I was even too shy to rub elbows with vocalists and lead guitarists. And I've known girls who would really go to the distance, book a flight to where the band's next gig would be. Me and my girls were semi-groupies I suppose. But those days eventually came to an end as we were finishing college.
My groupie days were a colorful strain. Thinking about it now makes me feel a bit awkward - I actually chased men I didn't even have a personal connection with! But then typing this makes me smile. Knowing that I once lived according to whims, infatuations and fleeting feelings gives me the right to be a bit serious on life.
Passing by Gensan the other day, I saw this huge poster of Bamboo with the greek god himself Ira Cruz on the background. Aaah, those were the days. :)
2.10.2010
Of Life and Death
Once again, life slapped me with some unexpected stuff.
I just got home from my two-week stint as a private duty nurse for my grandmother, my dad's mom. She had diabetes, gout, renal failure. To cut the long and tormenting story short, Lola passed away last Saturday, February 6, 2010 at the age of 72.
Weeks ago, my Lola was admitted in the hospital. The doctor already informed our family that Lola can't stay with us for so long; her kidneys have refused to respond to treatment. She was sent home and from there, we took charge of her daily needs. Once again, the Big Man Upstairs called me to perform some nurse-related responsibilities.
Like most situations, the whole ordeal was bittersweet. I had to get up as early as 4:30 in the morning, feed her through a feeding tube, crush her medicines, bathe her, change her position every now and then. When she had intense tummy ache because her stomach stopped functioning, Lola wanted someone to be by her side most of the time. It was hard to see her suffer at her age. But it was harder to see the "life" in her diminish day by day.
The sweet part was getting to spend time with her. As with every life form sent here on earth, there is always a limit. It feels very different to actually know for certain that your loved one is approaching the limit. During her last few days, Lola and I had talks on the after-life; she told me she lived a happy life and she was ready. I cannot forget hearing her say "Don't let others make a decision that you can do for yourself." She reached for my hand most of the time. And she speaks to me in English, making me smile almost all the time.
I have waited for so many things in my life. But it was only then I learned that anticipated death is the most painful thing to wait for. A part of me wanted death to come right away, just so Lola won't be in too much pain. And there was a greater part of me wished she would stay longer. But then I realized that waiting for death, and with the other things in life, won't be too much of a burden for as long as you engage in something worthwhile during the wait. Right now, I feel happy for being granted with the chance to take care of her until her last breath.
I prayed that her last breath would come like a thief in the night - without announcement. And possibly, without any struggle. But Lola fought til the very end, fighting and squeezing the very last drop of her energy. It was a painful scene to witness; the whole room was spinning as relatives embraced each other in tears. I was beside Lola, watching her chest rise or fall for the last time but it did not happen. It was my first encounter with the death of a loved one. My medical mindset was on, I did the post-mortem care - cleaned her up, removed her feeding tube, positioned her properly.
My friends and loved ones know how much of a crybaby I am. But oddly, I haven't shed a single tear since that moment. Of course I feel sad, thinking I won't be able to see or talk to her from then on. But still, no tears. I can't say I've been hardened to the core. And I can't say that reality didn't sink in yet. But I think it's because my medical or logical mindset is on; I wanted things to be accomplished without paying attention to my emotions. And most probably, I feel rather happy; my mind is focused on her freedom from pain and disability.
Last night, I glanced at Lola in the casket. My cousin Jet and I were exchanging thoughts on life and death. We agreed on the same thing - Death is death. It sucks the life out of you. You'll never look vibrant and happy as ever when it comes. And it made me think how life would be such a waste if we didn't live it to the fullest. God gave us the gift of life, injected a purpose into each one and imposed a limit on it. What a wonderful thing life truly is.
I thank God and Lola for redirecting me to the finer things in life. I thank Lola for opening her arms to me and for not rejecting the care I gave her til her last breath. Thank you Lola Aurora for being my Lola.
I just got home from my two-week stint as a private duty nurse for my grandmother, my dad's mom. She had diabetes, gout, renal failure. To cut the long and tormenting story short, Lola passed away last Saturday, February 6, 2010 at the age of 72.
Weeks ago, my Lola was admitted in the hospital. The doctor already informed our family that Lola can't stay with us for so long; her kidneys have refused to respond to treatment. She was sent home and from there, we took charge of her daily needs. Once again, the Big Man Upstairs called me to perform some nurse-related responsibilities.
Like most situations, the whole ordeal was bittersweet. I had to get up as early as 4:30 in the morning, feed her through a feeding tube, crush her medicines, bathe her, change her position every now and then. When she had intense tummy ache because her stomach stopped functioning, Lola wanted someone to be by her side most of the time. It was hard to see her suffer at her age. But it was harder to see the "life" in her diminish day by day.
The sweet part was getting to spend time with her. As with every life form sent here on earth, there is always a limit. It feels very different to actually know for certain that your loved one is approaching the limit. During her last few days, Lola and I had talks on the after-life; she told me she lived a happy life and she was ready. I cannot forget hearing her say "Don't let others make a decision that you can do for yourself." She reached for my hand most of the time. And she speaks to me in English, making me smile almost all the time.
I have waited for so many things in my life. But it was only then I learned that anticipated death is the most painful thing to wait for. A part of me wanted death to come right away, just so Lola won't be in too much pain. And there was a greater part of me wished she would stay longer. But then I realized that waiting for death, and with the other things in life, won't be too much of a burden for as long as you engage in something worthwhile during the wait. Right now, I feel happy for being granted with the chance to take care of her until her last breath.
I prayed that her last breath would come like a thief in the night - without announcement. And possibly, without any struggle. But Lola fought til the very end, fighting and squeezing the very last drop of her energy. It was a painful scene to witness; the whole room was spinning as relatives embraced each other in tears. I was beside Lola, watching her chest rise or fall for the last time but it did not happen. It was my first encounter with the death of a loved one. My medical mindset was on, I did the post-mortem care - cleaned her up, removed her feeding tube, positioned her properly.
My friends and loved ones know how much of a crybaby I am. But oddly, I haven't shed a single tear since that moment. Of course I feel sad, thinking I won't be able to see or talk to her from then on. But still, no tears. I can't say I've been hardened to the core. And I can't say that reality didn't sink in yet. But I think it's because my medical or logical mindset is on; I wanted things to be accomplished without paying attention to my emotions. And most probably, I feel rather happy; my mind is focused on her freedom from pain and disability.
Last night, I glanced at Lola in the casket. My cousin Jet and I were exchanging thoughts on life and death. We agreed on the same thing - Death is death. It sucks the life out of you. You'll never look vibrant and happy as ever when it comes. And it made me think how life would be such a waste if we didn't live it to the fullest. God gave us the gift of life, injected a purpose into each one and imposed a limit on it. What a wonderful thing life truly is.
I thank God and Lola for redirecting me to the finer things in life. I thank Lola for opening her arms to me and for not rejecting the care I gave her til her last breath. Thank you Lola Aurora for being my Lola.
1.27.2010
Hello Goodbye.
Hello again. I've been gone for a week or so. I had to focus on some of the finer things in life. Naks.
Goodbye?
So yes, The Boy left for Manila yesterday. A week ago, I was anticipating his departure with a great measure of confidence and a little misery. We had this agreement that he would only tell me his departure date two days prior to it. I wanted it that way and I didn't regret asking him to do that. We ended up having a great time before he left. We went to our favorite places in the city and even visited a few places we always wanted to go too. I made it a point to visit their home before they left. Funny how even his mom refused to drop hints on their departure date, since his folks went to Manila with him.
Our last date together was heavy. We just spent time listening to a live band at our favorite spot in MTS. When we took a walk round the park, it dawned to us that it will take a long time for us to be that way again. The next thing we knew, tears were welling up in our eyes. The drive home was the worst part. I almost wanted the car to run at only 10 kph. Haha. Poor emo kids. :p
I didn't take him to the airport like most girlfriends do. Being such a crybaby that I truly am, I didn't want his folks to see my puffy eyes and red nose. Plus, I'm a sucker for last looks. When I hear a person's name, my mind goes back to the last time I saw him. And I'm happy he left me with a last look that doesn't tear me apart.
Why am I all sappy and mushy when he's there for official business? Wala lang. Haha. But seriously, it's just so new for me. The past year, The Boy has been all out in making his presence felt and in making it a point that he will be missed. And he succeeded.
Hello
So I'm now saying hello to an all-new chapter in our decade-old telenobela. I must say it's something new, and probably the only thing we haven't gone thru yet.
And hello to LDR too. Thank God for unlimited calls and MMS. Pretty soon, I'll be thanking Skype as well.
I hate being in situations that move my emotions; I get the urge to write about them, making me seem like a lovesick puppy.And so to stop me from growing into a lonesome full-grown dog, I bought a journal. Hello pen writing. No more juicy blog posts. Okay maybe a few here and there. Haha.
"Be like the autumn leaves - ready for change." - From somewhere.
Anywaaaaaay, it's all good. :)
Goodbye?
So yes, The Boy left for Manila yesterday. A week ago, I was anticipating his departure with a great measure of confidence and a little misery. We had this agreement that he would only tell me his departure date two days prior to it. I wanted it that way and I didn't regret asking him to do that. We ended up having a great time before he left. We went to our favorite places in the city and even visited a few places we always wanted to go too. I made it a point to visit their home before they left. Funny how even his mom refused to drop hints on their departure date, since his folks went to Manila with him.
Our last date together was heavy. We just spent time listening to a live band at our favorite spot in MTS. When we took a walk round the park, it dawned to us that it will take a long time for us to be that way again. The next thing we knew, tears were welling up in our eyes. The drive home was the worst part. I almost wanted the car to run at only 10 kph. Haha. Poor emo kids. :p
I didn't take him to the airport like most girlfriends do. Being such a crybaby that I truly am, I didn't want his folks to see my puffy eyes and red nose. Plus, I'm a sucker for last looks. When I hear a person's name, my mind goes back to the last time I saw him. And I'm happy he left me with a last look that doesn't tear me apart.
Why am I all sappy and mushy when he's there for official business? Wala lang. Haha. But seriously, it's just so new for me. The past year, The Boy has been all out in making his presence felt and in making it a point that he will be missed. And he succeeded.
Hello
So I'm now saying hello to an all-new chapter in our decade-old telenobela. I must say it's something new, and probably the only thing we haven't gone thru yet.
And hello to LDR too. Thank God for unlimited calls and MMS. Pretty soon, I'll be thanking Skype as well.
I hate being in situations that move my emotions; I get the urge to write about them, making me seem like a lovesick puppy.And so to stop me from growing into a lonesome full-grown dog, I bought a journal. Hello pen writing. No more juicy blog posts. Okay maybe a few here and there. Haha.
"Be like the autumn leaves - ready for change." - From somewhere.
Anywaaaaaay, it's all good. :)
1.18.2010
Just Saying.
He doesn't let go of my hand when he's driving, even when he changes gears.
He's a keeper. He has this infinite thread of patience which is totally the opposite of my short-fused temper. He doesn't switch opinions just so he could please anyone. He sees people as people, and not as workers, employees, etc. Praying is important for him. And I swear he heard me snore last night and he just laughed it off. So many things show me that he is truly a keeper.
Though we went out for countless dates in the past ten years of knowing each other, I still get jittery and nervous when he picks me up at home and I still blush, sigh and have that adrenalin rush by the time the date is over.
I'm happy. Just saying. :)
He's a keeper. He has this infinite thread of patience which is totally the opposite of my short-fused temper. He doesn't switch opinions just so he could please anyone. He sees people as people, and not as workers, employees, etc. Praying is important for him. And I swear he heard me snore last night and he just laughed it off. So many things show me that he is truly a keeper.
Though we went out for countless dates in the past ten years of knowing each other, I still get jittery and nervous when he picks me up at home and I still blush, sigh and have that adrenalin rush by the time the date is over.
I'm happy. Just saying. :)
1.17.2010
Salumay Again
Salumay is one of the small towns in Marilog. The first time I went there, I immediately fell in love with the simplicity of the place plus the breezy climate. Getting used to the hot climate in the city makes me ignorante when it comes to places like Marilog. During my college days, my classmates and I spent our community nursing rotation at the Salumay Health Center. I can't forgot how we were tasked to go from one house to another to tell the families about our free medicines, only to find out that most houses are a hundred meters apart from each other. Thank God for the cold climate, we weren't sweating by the time we finished the task.
Last Saturday, I had the chance to relive the Salumay moments. I went with the medical team of our church to Salumay. This medical team is one that I have always joined for years now. Their outreach programs have exposed me to so many things. Way way back, I even had the chance to assist in circumcision even if I was only a freshman nursing student. This time, we went there to conduct a free clinic for kids and distribute medicines without charge. Before we left, we were a bit anxious because we were only six in the team - two doctors, two nurses and two volunteers. But to our delight, over 200 kids received medical assistance from our small team that day, to think that we only conducted the program for two hours! Yeeeey! :)
After the program, we were served with a very hearty lunch by the pastor's family. I discovered that the best dish to eat in a cool place like Marilog was Tinolang Native Chicken! It was so yummy that I didn't want to stop eating nor leave the place!
Salumay is indeed one of the places that holds a soft and "cool" spot in my heart. On that note, I leave you with the only photo I was able to take that day. This picture truly contains the good memories that Marilog brings.
Last Saturday, I had the chance to relive the Salumay moments. I went with the medical team of our church to Salumay. This medical team is one that I have always joined for years now. Their outreach programs have exposed me to so many things. Way way back, I even had the chance to assist in circumcision even if I was only a freshman nursing student. This time, we went there to conduct a free clinic for kids and distribute medicines without charge. Before we left, we were a bit anxious because we were only six in the team - two doctors, two nurses and two volunteers. But to our delight, over 200 kids received medical assistance from our small team that day, to think that we only conducted the program for two hours! Yeeeey! :)
After the program, we were served with a very hearty lunch by the pastor's family. I discovered that the best dish to eat in a cool place like Marilog was Tinolang Native Chicken! It was so yummy that I didn't want to stop eating nor leave the place!
Salumay is indeed one of the places that holds a soft and "cool" spot in my heart. On that note, I leave you with the only photo I was able to take that day. This picture truly contains the good memories that Marilog brings.
1.14.2010
2009 / 2010
Delayed Farewell Address
Last year was such a blast.
Sure, I didn’t get a promotion or a salary raise. Heck, I didn’t have a job. I didn’t travel round the world or to another country at the very least. I didn’t even party everyday. Won the lottery? No. But it was a life-changing and pivotal year for me.
So what did I do? I grew closer to my mother. I looked after my siblings as if they were my own kids. I ran the household while my Dad worked hard in another country. I missed my friends, and this made our reunions sweeter and happier. I learned to love someone maturely and I am so blessed to have been loved greatly in return. I did things that I haven’t done before on a daily basis – cook, clean, wash clothes, teach Mama how to read and write. And through it all, I was guided and supported by my loved ones and the Big Man Upstairs.
Last year, I grew up. Tumanda ako ng sampung taon. And I am happy and very excited for what is to come.
To 2009, I give to you my heartfelt THANK YOU. Hello, 2010.
My New Year's Resolutions
(For many years, I've been writing the same set of resolutions only to feel disappointed by the end of the year! So screw the old ones, here's my new list.)
1. I will not curse while driving.
2. I will not remove my shoes during those random moments in public. This was inspired by an incident when I saw a pretty girl taking off her shoes while eating at Pizza Hut!
3. I will not be mean to salesladies, cashiers, neighbors. I have a short fuse, sorry.
4. I will visit a new place.
5. I will build more memories with old friends.
6. I will pray, as many times as I can, in a day.
7. I will make it a point to look good or at least presentable when I go out.
8. I will pay more attention to my health, by cutting down on sweets and lamang-loob, sleeping and rising early, and exercising.
9. I will read more books and watch more movies.
10. I will make new friends.
11. I will invest on something.
12. I will keep on writing!
I shall refer to this list a year later and see how I did.
Goodluck!
Last year was such a blast.
Sure, I didn’t get a promotion or a salary raise. Heck, I didn’t have a job. I didn’t travel round the world or to another country at the very least. I didn’t even party everyday. Won the lottery? No. But it was a life-changing and pivotal year for me.
So what did I do? I grew closer to my mother. I looked after my siblings as if they were my own kids. I ran the household while my Dad worked hard in another country. I missed my friends, and this made our reunions sweeter and happier. I learned to love someone maturely and I am so blessed to have been loved greatly in return. I did things that I haven’t done before on a daily basis – cook, clean, wash clothes, teach Mama how to read and write. And through it all, I was guided and supported by my loved ones and the Big Man Upstairs.
Last year, I grew up. Tumanda ako ng sampung taon. And I am happy and very excited for what is to come.
To 2009, I give to you my heartfelt THANK YOU. Hello, 2010.
My New Year's Resolutions
(For many years, I've been writing the same set of resolutions only to feel disappointed by the end of the year! So screw the old ones, here's my new list.)
1. I will not curse while driving.
2. I will not remove my shoes during those random moments in public. This was inspired by an incident when I saw a pretty girl taking off her shoes while eating at Pizza Hut!
3. I will not be mean to salesladies, cashiers, neighbors. I have a short fuse, sorry.
4. I will visit a new place.
5. I will build more memories with old friends.
6. I will pray, as many times as I can, in a day.
7. I will make it a point to look good or at least presentable when I go out.
8. I will pay more attention to my health, by cutting down on sweets and lamang-loob, sleeping and rising early, and exercising.
9. I will read more books and watch more movies.
10. I will make new friends.
11. I will invest on something.
12. I will keep on writing!
I shall refer to this list a year later and see how I did.
Goodluck!
I'm Not Dead Yet
Yes, I'm very much alive AND living! :)
When the year 2009 came, I made meticulous plans on each and every quarter of the year; especially where to go and what to do. But then, my plans were taken to a sudden detour. And there I learned that some things are really far from our locus of control.
So this beautiful year of 2010, I can't say I did not make any plans. I do have a set of things that I need and want to do but I'm not rushing into them. While others are probably hammering or pruning themselves to the pattern of their ideals, here I am, humming as I walk and living each day five minutes at a time.
I'm facing 2010 with much prayers and spontaneity. And God has started to give me little surprises.
1. As of the first week of 2010, my mom was able to walk alone, wash the dishes, cook a little (dishes that require shorter prep time), converse, sing, dance, change clothes on her own and manage her sari-sari store at the farm! And because she is starting to feel her independence, she gave me the "go signal" to start looking for work. Yey! :)
2. Mama, Papa and I had a trip to Valencia, Bukidnon. But before that, I told myself that this year, I must set foot on a new place. And yes, by the first freshest week of the year, we went to the semi-rural semi-urban city of Valencia!
The road going to Valencia was smooth and hassle-free. The view was just spectacular. Click, click, click.
This was at Salumay, Marilog. The earth was sandwiched between heavens. The world is just awesome!
By the time we reached Valencia, Papa finished his transactions first. Then, we went to a resto near the city's oval. To my delight, there was a marching band contest! And of course, the number one hit was "Nobody."
When the year 2009 came, I made meticulous plans on each and every quarter of the year; especially where to go and what to do. But then, my plans were taken to a sudden detour. And there I learned that some things are really far from our locus of control.
So this beautiful year of 2010, I can't say I did not make any plans. I do have a set of things that I need and want to do but I'm not rushing into them. While others are probably hammering or pruning themselves to the pattern of their ideals, here I am, humming as I walk and living each day five minutes at a time.
I'm facing 2010 with much prayers and spontaneity. And God has started to give me little surprises.
1. As of the first week of 2010, my mom was able to walk alone, wash the dishes, cook a little (dishes that require shorter prep time), converse, sing, dance, change clothes on her own and manage her sari-sari store at the farm! And because she is starting to feel her independence, she gave me the "go signal" to start looking for work. Yey! :)
2. Mama, Papa and I had a trip to Valencia, Bukidnon. But before that, I told myself that this year, I must set foot on a new place. And yes, by the first freshest week of the year, we went to the semi-rural semi-urban city of Valencia!
The road going to Valencia was smooth and hassle-free. The view was just spectacular. Click, click, click.
And I noticed there were many pretty girls and cute guys. So this is where God kept the good-looking ones!
On the way home, we stopped by Buda to buy some vegetables. Papa bought a huge plastic bag filled with veggies for only PhP 175.00!
3. More surprises! My aunt, uncle and cousins came over to visit. I love it when they're here. Our conversations are always insightful and motivating. Plus we get to eat out almost every meal! Haha!
4. I started going out again. I've been meeting up with some of my friends for a top secret project hahaha.
5. And of course, dates with the boy. The other night, we crammed up all the occasions that couples should spend together but we didn't - Christmas, Monthsary, New Year! So we had dinner at Picobello, videoke at Rizal, walked around People's Park and sat under our favorite tree and watched the stars!
And because of all of these, I am very much excited for the next 360+ days to come! Dear Lord, You are beyond amazing! :)
CHEERS!!
1.07.2010
Finally!
Hah! Thank God I can now begin blabbing.
My three-week stay in Tupi has been more productive than ever. I started a small business with which my investment tripled after the holidays. I helped out in the resort, cooked meals for my family, ran errands, and of course, took a lot of photos!
Last December 14, the town held a Kariton Festival, where farmers clothe their carabaos, decorate their carts and have a parade around Tupi. Two days later, there was a Torch Parade where hundreds of students, teachers and government officials walked around town while carrying torches. The local electricity was shut off just for that purpose. Cool!
While I was there, I was surprised to have lots of spare time no matter how busy I was during the day. Guess that's how life is without facebook. Haha. And because of that, I decided to embark on a 365 project. Tenteneneeen!
For three hundred sixty-five days, I am supposed to take one good photo for each day. My goal is discover more techniques and to get more acquainted with my Oly. So here are the photos that I took during the first few days of January.
Goodnight.
My three-week stay in Tupi has been more productive than ever. I started a small business with which my investment tripled after the holidays. I helped out in the resort, cooked meals for my family, ran errands, and of course, took a lot of photos!
Last December 14, the town held a Kariton Festival, where farmers clothe their carabaos, decorate their carts and have a parade around Tupi. Two days later, there was a Torch Parade where hundreds of students, teachers and government officials walked around town while carrying torches. The local electricity was shut off just for that purpose. Cool!
While I was there, I was surprised to have lots of spare time no matter how busy I was during the day. Guess that's how life is without facebook. Haha. And because of that, I decided to embark on a 365 project. Tenteneneeen!
For three hundred sixty-five days, I am supposed to take one good photo for each day. My goal is discover more techniques and to get more acquainted with my Oly. So here are the photos that I took during the first few days of January.
January 1, 2010. Taken at our backyard. Thanks to my dad's newly installed cyclone wires.
January 2, 2010. The stores in the market were closed.
January 3. All Greened Up. We discovered our neighbors fishing in one of our ponds. Ah-hah!
January 4. Waiting for something or someone to come back drama.
January 5. I get fascinated with silhouettes very easily.
For January 6 and 7, I still have to rummage through the many photos I took. Naks naman. Hahaha.
In other news, Mama, Papa and I went on a roadtrip to Bukidnon today. Yeeey. That explains why I'm not making any sense as I write! Haha! Since I abused my camera for the entire day, the batteries are all drained and so am I. It's only 10 pm but I think I'm gonna turn in early.
1.05.2010
2010
I'm home!!!
Much as I want to get started blabbing about mundane things, I still got sooooo many things to do online. Gaaah.
I'll be back.
Much as I want to get started blabbing about mundane things, I still got sooooo many things to do online. Gaaah.
I'll be back.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)